"Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success... ...Flat stretches of boring routine... ...And valleys of frustration and failure." - Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes
The Guy and The Topographer. His map is spread out on a table. The topographer gestures across it.
THE TOPOGRAPHER
The world in relief.
THE GUY
I used to love looking at topographical maps. All the shapes inside other shapes, some of them so close they almost overlapped. Like rings on a tree trunk…
THE TOPOGRAPHER
The roughness of the face of the world…
THE GUY
Smoothed out, yet readable.
THE TOPOGRAPHER
I like the ones where different elevations are different colors.
THE GUY
Oh yeah!
THE TOPOGRAPHER
They look like those heat vision things…
THE GUY
I love how our views of the world in maps always elaborate the world. You take the face of Earth and reassign its textures and irregularities lines and colors. Like art.
THE TOPOGRAPHER
Not art. Art isn’t an objective thing.
THE GUY
Like art. Not art necessarily…
THE TOPOGRAPHER
Topography is fact. Art isn’t.
THE GUY
Artful, then. You turn it into something artful.
THE TOPOGRAPHER
You know, in an older sense, topography wasn’t just the study of the details of the surface of things. It meant more than that. Topographers studied the idea of place. Not just the elevations of a piece of the Earth but its culture, its traditions – local detail.
We don’t understand it that way anymore. It’s just “a mountain goes here” and “a valley goes there” now.
THE GUY
This is one of those plays where nothing happens, and we just spin on an idea, isn’t it?
THE TOPOGRAPHER
Yup.
THE GUY
I bet if you laid out this play from end to end, surfaced a room with each page in order, you’d see the topography of a life.
Everything, if you look at it hard enough, will show you its landscape.
I’ve inhabited my life for thirty years now, and this is the first stretch of all that time that I’ve really had a means to look at the shape of it. And I can see, even in myself, “a mountain goes here, a valley goes there.”
And relationships! I mean, they have them, too. We’re just all surging forward so fast we never stand back and survey the landscape.
THE TOPOGRAPHER
There are days I want to make a topographical map of myself. Outline my self on a white sheet of paper and mark the elevations all across myself.
And not just the physical.
I want to mark every fault line where my heart was broken, every mountain that sprang up when something wonderful happened to me, every desert stretch where there was nothing to speak of either good or bad. An elevation map of the person I’ve become.
So that I can see myself like this.
Artful. Like you say.
THE GUY
Artful…
They consider. The lights go down.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
5.13.2007: The Mother’s Day Play
The Guy on stage. There’s a lot of stuff everywhere (which is often how The Guy’s life space looks – lots of stuff everywhere).
The Mom appears.
THE MOM
Cody…
THE GUY
Mom. You can’t call me Cody in this. I’m “The Guy” when I’m in this.
THE MOM
You’re Cody. Don’t argue with your mother.
THE GUY
Yes, ma’am.
THE MOM
This place is a mess.
THE GUY
I know. I’ve been busy.
THE MOM
Still, you could pick up after yourself.
THE GUY
Have I ever been very good at keeping a place neat?
THE MOM
No. You and your brother, both.
THE GUY
We’re creative people. We don’t have time to clean up.
The Mom gives The Guy a dirty look.
THE MOM
So…
THE GUY
So you wanna know why you’re here?
THE MOM
Yes.
THE GUY
It’s sort of your Mother’s Day present.
THE MOM
This?
THE GUY
Yeah. Because I was trying to think of something to get you, but nothing ever seemed like something that meant anything. And I wanted to get you something that would let you know how much you mean to me and not just that you’re worth spending some money on perfume or something from Bath and Body Works. You know?
THE MOM
Well thank you.
THE GUY
Plus, I could probably never say what I’m about to say to you in real life because I’d make it sound awkward and dumb.
So…
here goes.
I’m really happy in my life right now.
I’ve got a lot of really great things in it,
and the last year has been a year of big changes,
but this is the best time in my life so far.
and everything I’ve gotten was made possible because of you.
because of the time you took with me when I was little,
the care and attention and encouragement
and all the pushing you did,
all the high expectations,
everything you gave me made this day possible.
You’ll never know how valuable those things have been.
When I look at my life,
in every little corner of it,
I can see some mark you left behind.
You’re somewhere in everything I am.
And I always think of that when something good happens to me.
because when something good happens to me,
it, in some way, happens to you.
I get to do that for you.
Every good thing that’s mine is also yours.
I love the life you built for me.
And I love you.
It’s why I do what I do.
A pause.
THE GUY (cont.)
(and tell Dad I don’t think he didn’t do anything. But it’s Mother’s Day, so the play has be about Mothers, so he’ll just have to get over it and he’ll get his on Father’s Day).
No more words are exchanged. It’s not the kind of relationship that uses lots of words. The Guy does the only thing he can do in this moment to show The Mom he means every word he says.
He starts to clean up the space.
The lights go down.
The Mom appears.
THE MOM
Cody…
THE GUY
Mom. You can’t call me Cody in this. I’m “The Guy” when I’m in this.
THE MOM
You’re Cody. Don’t argue with your mother.
THE GUY
Yes, ma’am.
THE MOM
This place is a mess.
THE GUY
I know. I’ve been busy.
THE MOM
Still, you could pick up after yourself.
THE GUY
Have I ever been very good at keeping a place neat?
THE MOM
No. You and your brother, both.
THE GUY
We’re creative people. We don’t have time to clean up.
The Mom gives The Guy a dirty look.
THE MOM
So…
THE GUY
So you wanna know why you’re here?
THE MOM
Yes.
THE GUY
It’s sort of your Mother’s Day present.
THE MOM
This?
THE GUY
Yeah. Because I was trying to think of something to get you, but nothing ever seemed like something that meant anything. And I wanted to get you something that would let you know how much you mean to me and not just that you’re worth spending some money on perfume or something from Bath and Body Works. You know?
THE MOM
Well thank you.
THE GUY
Plus, I could probably never say what I’m about to say to you in real life because I’d make it sound awkward and dumb.
So…
here goes.
I’m really happy in my life right now.
I’ve got a lot of really great things in it,
and the last year has been a year of big changes,
but this is the best time in my life so far.
and everything I’ve gotten was made possible because of you.
because of the time you took with me when I was little,
the care and attention and encouragement
and all the pushing you did,
all the high expectations,
everything you gave me made this day possible.
You’ll never know how valuable those things have been.
When I look at my life,
in every little corner of it,
I can see some mark you left behind.
You’re somewhere in everything I am.
And I always think of that when something good happens to me.
because when something good happens to me,
it, in some way, happens to you.
I get to do that for you.
Every good thing that’s mine is also yours.
I love the life you built for me.
And I love you.
It’s why I do what I do.
A pause.
THE GUY (cont.)
(and tell Dad I don’t think he didn’t do anything. But it’s Mother’s Day, so the play has be about Mothers, so he’ll just have to get over it and he’ll get his on Father’s Day).
No more words are exchanged. It’s not the kind of relationship that uses lots of words. The Guy does the only thing he can do in this moment to show The Mom he means every word he says.
He starts to clean up the space.
The lights go down.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
5.12.2007: When the World Was New (A Memory)
The Guy Back When and The Sad Song Friend sitting at a table, doing shots. Probably tequila, laughing. We have caught them in mid-drunken conversation. They’re complaining, but it’s funny to them. It’s all done in love.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
No, she’s a bitch.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
She’s not a bitch.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I don’t even see why he likes her. Why is Brian dating her?
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
She’s your roommate. You love her.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I can love her and be her roommate and still think she’s a bitch.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
You are such a faggot.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Fuck you. Take the shot.
They take the shot. They’ve had enough for this shot to cause a lot of grimacing and noise. But they laugh anyway. They set up another one.
As they do, The Guy and Nate appear.
NATE
Aww. Look at you drunk off your ass.
THE GUY
Shut up.
NATE
It’s cute.
THE GUY
It’s obnoxious.
NATE
Is this because of the party?
THE GUY
Yeah, made me think of it.
The next shot is set up.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
How many of these have we done?
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
I have no fucking idea.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
One more won’t hurt, then.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
And what else is there to do at this party? Brian’s outside making out with Tonya…
THE GUY BACK WHEN
That bitch…
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
He could do so much better than her…
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Yeah. He could have me.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
Or me.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Or both of us at the same time.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
Oh my God!
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Totally fucking kidding.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
That would be so fucking gross.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Do the shot.
They do the shot. Grimacing and noise and laughing about it. Another is set up.
THE GUY
I had a lot of fun at your party.
NATE
Good. I was really glad you came.
THE GUY
Me, too. Getting to see you was great. And meeting your friends was also very fun.
But the whole night, the thing I kept thinking about was it was so ironic that I’d have this night at this point in my life. Because everything about your party reminded me of the last time in my life I felt as optimistic about the future as I do right now.
I’d missed that.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I AM GONNA RULE THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD!
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
You are so drunk.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Yes I am.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
When we all make it on Broadway, we’re gonna have to do exactly this.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Every fucking night.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
When we’re thirty…
THE GUY BACK WHEN
BEFORE we turn thirty…
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
You writing the plays, me stage managing, and everyone out there acting in them.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Absofuckinglutely.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
I wanna hold onto this forever.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Every fucking inch of it.
They hold up their shot glasses.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
Except Tonya.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
She’s only invited if she stops dating Brian.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
Salut!
They do the shot. The worst grimaces, the biggest laughter.
The Guy leans into Nate. Nate puts his hand on The Guy’s back. The Guy smiles.
The lights go out.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
No, she’s a bitch.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
She’s not a bitch.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I don’t even see why he likes her. Why is Brian dating her?
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
She’s your roommate. You love her.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I can love her and be her roommate and still think she’s a bitch.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
You are such a faggot.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Fuck you. Take the shot.
They take the shot. They’ve had enough for this shot to cause a lot of grimacing and noise. But they laugh anyway. They set up another one.
As they do, The Guy and Nate appear.
NATE
Aww. Look at you drunk off your ass.
THE GUY
Shut up.
NATE
It’s cute.
THE GUY
It’s obnoxious.
NATE
Is this because of the party?
THE GUY
Yeah, made me think of it.
The next shot is set up.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
How many of these have we done?
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
I have no fucking idea.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
One more won’t hurt, then.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
And what else is there to do at this party? Brian’s outside making out with Tonya…
THE GUY BACK WHEN
That bitch…
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
He could do so much better than her…
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Yeah. He could have me.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
Or me.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Or both of us at the same time.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
Oh my God!
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Totally fucking kidding.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
That would be so fucking gross.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Do the shot.
They do the shot. Grimacing and noise and laughing about it. Another is set up.
THE GUY
I had a lot of fun at your party.
NATE
Good. I was really glad you came.
THE GUY
Me, too. Getting to see you was great. And meeting your friends was also very fun.
But the whole night, the thing I kept thinking about was it was so ironic that I’d have this night at this point in my life. Because everything about your party reminded me of the last time in my life I felt as optimistic about the future as I do right now.
I’d missed that.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I AM GONNA RULE THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD!
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
You are so drunk.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Yes I am.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
When we all make it on Broadway, we’re gonna have to do exactly this.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Every fucking night.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
When we’re thirty…
THE GUY BACK WHEN
BEFORE we turn thirty…
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
You writing the plays, me stage managing, and everyone out there acting in them.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Absofuckinglutely.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
I wanna hold onto this forever.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Every fucking inch of it.
They hold up their shot glasses.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
Except Tonya.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
She’s only invited if she stops dating Brian.
THE SAD SONG FRIEND
Salut!
They do the shot. The worst grimaces, the biggest laughter.
The Guy leans into Nate. Nate puts his hand on The Guy’s back. The Guy smiles.
The lights go out.
Friday, May 11, 2007
5.11.2007: The Tower Outside of Town (Leander, Hero, and the Impossible Space Between What’s Real and What’s Imagined)
The lights come up on Leander (in his goggle, flippers, ect.) and Hero. They sit side by side, saying nothing.
Silence for a while. Then:
HERO
Thanks for coming again.
LEANDER
No problem.
HERO
I hope the water wasn’t too cold tonight.
LEANDER
Nah. Not too bad.
HERO
Good.
LEANDER
But thanks for asking.
HERO
Of course.
Another silence.
LEANDER
How are your folks?
HERO
They’re good. You know. Same old thing with them. Mom asks about you all the time.
LEANDER
Oh yeah?
HERO
How’s your dad doing?
LEANDER
He’s better. Just needed some antibiotics and a little rest.
HERO
Good.
Another silence.
HERO (cont.)
Well, I guess we should get to the thing…
LEANDER
Yeah, the thing.
They stand. They face each other. Leander takes off his mask. They prepare.
A deep breath. They begin, with as much enthusiasm as they can muster.
HERO
I love you…
LEANDER
I love you…
A pause. It’s clearly a deeply uncomfortable moment for both of them.
LEANDER (cont.)
Do you?
HERO
What?
LEANDER
Love me.
HERO
Oh.
LEANDER
Because, you know, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.
HERO
Oh but I do. Want to.
LEANDER
So you do love me?
HERO
Of course I do.
LEANDER
Because lately I’ve been wondering…
HERO
Do you?
LEANDER
Do I what?
HERO
Love me?
LEANDER
Yeah. Yeah, I do. I swim the Hellespont for you. I mean, who would do that for you if they didn’t love you?
HERO
Okay. Because I’m starting to feel like you’re just here because you feel obligated.
LEANDER
No.
HERO
The initial enthusiasm is worn off or something…
LEANDER
I think you might be reading too much into things.
HERO
Really?
LEANDER
Unless…
HERO
Unless what?
LEANDER
Unless you feel that we’re only doing this because we feel somehow obligated…
HERO
No. Not at all.
LEANDER
Because I’d understand…
HERO
You would?
LEANDER
Not that I’d want to. But if you wanted this to be over, I’d understand.
HERO
I didn’t say I wanted it to be over.
LEANDER
I know.
HERO
Do you want it to be over?
Silence. Filled with the uncertainty of whether or not something is actually something or just something you willed into being because you needed it or something that was only meant to last a moment, not the lifetime you were hoping it would be.
Am I thinking about this too much? Probably. Am I overanalyzing every detail? Definitely.
LEANDER
Why can’t these things be clear?
HERO
Because they’re not.
LEANDER
That’s not fair.
HERO
Nothing we can do about that.
The playwright at his computer hates this feeling. The feeling of not being able to enjoy three dates for what they are worth without wrangling with the What-Comes-Next. Because maybe nothing comes next. Maybe everything comes next. He just doesn’t know.
LEANDER
This is harder than swimming the Hellespont.
HERO
What is?
LEANDER
Crossing the space between what’s real and what’s just imagined.
Knowing the difference in the first place.
Not just being happy with what is.
Pause.
The playwright at his computer does not want reassurance. He just wants the best of what time with the object of his attention can bring him. That’s all. And the playwright at his computer smiles at himself for worrying so damn much about it.
Thank God these stage directions won’t end up being seen in production.
LEANDER (cont.)
Tell me again.
HERO
Are you sure?
LEANDER
Am I sure?
No. I’m not sure of anything right now.
But I know I like to hear it when you say it.
And maybe it’s never going to be the truth.
Maybe it’s just not true yet.
We can at least enjoy the sound of it, right?
Pause.
HERO
I love you…
LEANDER
I love you…
HERO
I love you…
This goes on and on as the lights fade away.
Silence for a while. Then:
HERO
Thanks for coming again.
LEANDER
No problem.
HERO
I hope the water wasn’t too cold tonight.
LEANDER
Nah. Not too bad.
HERO
Good.
LEANDER
But thanks for asking.
HERO
Of course.
Another silence.
LEANDER
How are your folks?
HERO
They’re good. You know. Same old thing with them. Mom asks about you all the time.
LEANDER
Oh yeah?
HERO
How’s your dad doing?
LEANDER
He’s better. Just needed some antibiotics and a little rest.
HERO
Good.
Another silence.
HERO (cont.)
Well, I guess we should get to the thing…
LEANDER
Yeah, the thing.
They stand. They face each other. Leander takes off his mask. They prepare.
A deep breath. They begin, with as much enthusiasm as they can muster.
HERO
I love you…
LEANDER
I love you…
A pause. It’s clearly a deeply uncomfortable moment for both of them.
LEANDER (cont.)
Do you?
HERO
What?
LEANDER
Love me.
HERO
Oh.
LEANDER
Because, you know, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.
HERO
Oh but I do. Want to.
LEANDER
So you do love me?
HERO
Of course I do.
LEANDER
Because lately I’ve been wondering…
HERO
Do you?
LEANDER
Do I what?
HERO
Love me?
LEANDER
Yeah. Yeah, I do. I swim the Hellespont for you. I mean, who would do that for you if they didn’t love you?
HERO
Okay. Because I’m starting to feel like you’re just here because you feel obligated.
LEANDER
No.
HERO
The initial enthusiasm is worn off or something…
LEANDER
I think you might be reading too much into things.
HERO
Really?
LEANDER
Unless…
HERO
Unless what?
LEANDER
Unless you feel that we’re only doing this because we feel somehow obligated…
HERO
No. Not at all.
LEANDER
Because I’d understand…
HERO
You would?
LEANDER
Not that I’d want to. But if you wanted this to be over, I’d understand.
HERO
I didn’t say I wanted it to be over.
LEANDER
I know.
HERO
Do you want it to be over?
Silence. Filled with the uncertainty of whether or not something is actually something or just something you willed into being because you needed it or something that was only meant to last a moment, not the lifetime you were hoping it would be.
Am I thinking about this too much? Probably. Am I overanalyzing every detail? Definitely.
LEANDER
Why can’t these things be clear?
HERO
Because they’re not.
LEANDER
That’s not fair.
HERO
Nothing we can do about that.
The playwright at his computer hates this feeling. The feeling of not being able to enjoy three dates for what they are worth without wrangling with the What-Comes-Next. Because maybe nothing comes next. Maybe everything comes next. He just doesn’t know.
LEANDER
This is harder than swimming the Hellespont.
HERO
What is?
LEANDER
Crossing the space between what’s real and what’s just imagined.
Knowing the difference in the first place.
Not just being happy with what is.
Pause.
The playwright at his computer does not want reassurance. He just wants the best of what time with the object of his attention can bring him. That’s all. And the playwright at his computer smiles at himself for worrying so damn much about it.
Thank God these stage directions won’t end up being seen in production.
LEANDER (cont.)
Tell me again.
HERO
Are you sure?
LEANDER
Am I sure?
No. I’m not sure of anything right now.
But I know I like to hear it when you say it.
And maybe it’s never going to be the truth.
Maybe it’s just not true yet.
We can at least enjoy the sound of it, right?
Pause.
HERO
I love you…
LEANDER
I love you…
HERO
I love you…
This goes on and on as the lights fade away.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
5.10.2007: The Roller Coaster Metaphor (with regards to Karl for suggesting it)
“you haven't mentioned your love of roller coasters in the play yet. that i've seen. life is like a roller coaster duh. cliche but true. could just be for fun. you could specifically mention it not being about life being like a roller coaster. even though we all enjoy the ride.”
–condensed from an online conversation with my friend Karl
5.10.2007
Two chairs center stage – a man and a woman occupy them.
On one side of the stage is The Guy. On the other is An Important Thinker on the Question of Theatre.
The couple is on a roller coaster. He’s scared. She’s not.
THE GUY
Today I’m going to write about roller coasters.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
Oh my God.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
Daniel…
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
No, seriously, oh my God.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
We haven’t even started moving yet.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
Roller coasters? Are you serious?
THE GUY
Yes.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
As a metaphor, it’s embarrassing.
THE GUY
Just wait.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
I don’t understand how you like these things.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
I love them. And you will love them, too. Trust me.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
I feel like I’m going to throw up.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
I can see where this is going.
THE GUY
Your feedback isn’t really helping.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
You’re going to make some blanket statement about how life is just like a roller coaster – ups and downs but in the end it’s worth the ride. Or maybe relationships are like roller coasters. Something will be like roller coasters. It’s overused.
THE GUY
Can you shut up? I’m trying to write this.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
The hardest part is the first drop.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
See? Heavy-handed.
THE GUY
Shut up.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
I avoided these things my whole life. I mean, like, right now, my palms are sweaty and I feel like my chest is going to just pop.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
It’s gonna be fine.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
I can just see this whole line of cars just jump the track, and there we’ll be, gliding through the air to our eminent demise…
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
You’re such a drama queen sometimes.
THE GUY
Just give me a second to sort this idea out.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
Sort this idea out? Are you kidding? We’re here watching this, and you haven’t sorted this out yet?
We hear the click of the coaster beginning its run. The couple responds.
THE BOY ON THE COSTER
Oh my God.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
This is going to be fantastic. Don’t worry.
Under the following, we hear the clicks of the coaster climbing the first big dip.
THE GUY
Every day feels like this.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
Like this?
THE GUY
I type the date on a blank white screen, and it’s like hearing those first clicks and starting to climb.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
This is the worst part, Daniel.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
oh my god oh my god oh my god
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
The anticipation…
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
I am so gonna throw up…
THE GUY
It’s not about life, and it’s not about relationships. It’s about this. The anticipation of a day meaning something.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
Once you drop, it’s like everything falls away…
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
You know how much I love you, right?
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
How much?
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
This much. I love you this much.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
There’s too much going on in this play.
THE GUY
I know. I don’t care.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
Open your eyes. You have to see what the world looks like before you drop.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
Oh God.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
You can see everything from up here.
The clicks stop. Then, the sound of the coaster rushing down. The Boy on the Coaster screams. The Girl on the Coaster squeals with delight.
They freeze.
THE GUY
There. Done.
Until tomorrow.
The lights go down.
–condensed from an online conversation with my friend Karl
5.10.2007
Two chairs center stage – a man and a woman occupy them.
On one side of the stage is The Guy. On the other is An Important Thinker on the Question of Theatre.
The couple is on a roller coaster. He’s scared. She’s not.
THE GUY
Today I’m going to write about roller coasters.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
Oh my God.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
Daniel…
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
No, seriously, oh my God.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
We haven’t even started moving yet.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
Roller coasters? Are you serious?
THE GUY
Yes.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
As a metaphor, it’s embarrassing.
THE GUY
Just wait.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
I don’t understand how you like these things.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
I love them. And you will love them, too. Trust me.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
I feel like I’m going to throw up.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
I can see where this is going.
THE GUY
Your feedback isn’t really helping.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
You’re going to make some blanket statement about how life is just like a roller coaster – ups and downs but in the end it’s worth the ride. Or maybe relationships are like roller coasters. Something will be like roller coasters. It’s overused.
THE GUY
Can you shut up? I’m trying to write this.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
The hardest part is the first drop.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
See? Heavy-handed.
THE GUY
Shut up.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
I avoided these things my whole life. I mean, like, right now, my palms are sweaty and I feel like my chest is going to just pop.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
It’s gonna be fine.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
I can just see this whole line of cars just jump the track, and there we’ll be, gliding through the air to our eminent demise…
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
You’re such a drama queen sometimes.
THE GUY
Just give me a second to sort this idea out.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
Sort this idea out? Are you kidding? We’re here watching this, and you haven’t sorted this out yet?
We hear the click of the coaster beginning its run. The couple responds.
THE BOY ON THE COSTER
Oh my God.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
This is going to be fantastic. Don’t worry.
Under the following, we hear the clicks of the coaster climbing the first big dip.
THE GUY
Every day feels like this.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
Like this?
THE GUY
I type the date on a blank white screen, and it’s like hearing those first clicks and starting to climb.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
This is the worst part, Daniel.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
oh my god oh my god oh my god
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
The anticipation…
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
I am so gonna throw up…
THE GUY
It’s not about life, and it’s not about relationships. It’s about this. The anticipation of a day meaning something.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
Once you drop, it’s like everything falls away…
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
You know how much I love you, right?
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
How much?
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
This much. I love you this much.
THE IMPORTANT THINKER ON THE QUESTION OF THEATRE
There’s too much going on in this play.
THE GUY
I know. I don’t care.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
Open your eyes. You have to see what the world looks like before you drop.
THE BOY ON THE COASTER
Oh God.
THE GIRL ON THE COASTER
You can see everything from up here.
The clicks stop. Then, the sound of the coaster rushing down. The Boy on the Coaster screams. The Girl on the Coaster squeals with delight.
They freeze.
THE GUY
There. Done.
Until tomorrow.
The lights go down.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
5.9.2007: Adagio
The Man Who Plays the Saddest Music appears, his instrument in case, hat on, headed (one assumes) to another gig somewhere. He’s whistling a tune (not the saddest music).
The Guy is here. He’s been here since the lights came up.
The Man Who Plays the Saddest Music sees something in the Guy that he recognizes. So he stops.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Adagio.
THE GUY
What?
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Slowly, leisurely. It’s a music thing.
THE GUY
I don’t understand what you’re talking about.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
You’ve got the look of a man who’s not good with adagio.
THE GUY
(a smile)
Guilty as charged.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Hey, no judgment here. I’m just as much a junkie of life in scherzo as the next man. I love the feeling you get when the music starts to move so quickly that you think you might forget to breathe just so you can keep up.
THE GUY
That’s kind of how I like life.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Yeah. Me, too.
I had this girl. Shelly. Man, Shelly was a piece of work. She got my juices flowing in ways I never thought possible. She had this way of, like, surprising me with her touch when we were out walking or something. All of a sudden, Bam!, her hand would find my arm or the small of my back and the world would just slam ahead into double time, you know, out of nowhere I’d find myself startled into life.
And she’d just smile at me. This casual little smile. And she’d just keep on walking. Like she didn’t do a thing.
That girl was adagio. The world just washed over her.
The only thing the world ever did to me was move too fast.
THE GUY
She the reason you play?
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Nah. I broke up with Shelly because she fucked a friend of mine.
I play the saddest music
because too much of what was supposed to be my future
is now just the past.
THE GUY
You know, my guy does the same thing when we’re walking.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Adagio…
THE GUY
It’s sweet.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
It is, it is.
The Man Who Plays the Saddest Music continues on his way.
The lights go down.
The Guy is here. He’s been here since the lights came up.
The Man Who Plays the Saddest Music sees something in the Guy that he recognizes. So he stops.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Adagio.
THE GUY
What?
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Slowly, leisurely. It’s a music thing.
THE GUY
I don’t understand what you’re talking about.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
You’ve got the look of a man who’s not good with adagio.
THE GUY
(a smile)
Guilty as charged.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Hey, no judgment here. I’m just as much a junkie of life in scherzo as the next man. I love the feeling you get when the music starts to move so quickly that you think you might forget to breathe just so you can keep up.
THE GUY
That’s kind of how I like life.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Yeah. Me, too.
I had this girl. Shelly. Man, Shelly was a piece of work. She got my juices flowing in ways I never thought possible. She had this way of, like, surprising me with her touch when we were out walking or something. All of a sudden, Bam!, her hand would find my arm or the small of my back and the world would just slam ahead into double time, you know, out of nowhere I’d find myself startled into life.
And she’d just smile at me. This casual little smile. And she’d just keep on walking. Like she didn’t do a thing.
That girl was adagio. The world just washed over her.
The only thing the world ever did to me was move too fast.
THE GUY
She the reason you play?
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Nah. I broke up with Shelly because she fucked a friend of mine.
I play the saddest music
because too much of what was supposed to be my future
is now just the past.
THE GUY
You know, my guy does the same thing when we’re walking.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Adagio…
THE GUY
It’s sweet.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
It is, it is.
The Man Who Plays the Saddest Music continues on his way.
The lights go down.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
5.8.2007: The Man Who Plays the Saddest Music
The Man Who Plays the Saddest Music sits in a chair center stage. He is doing what he does best – a mournful longing tune emanates from his instrument (in my mind, it’s probably a cello.)
The Guy appears.
THE GUY
That’s beautiful.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Thank you. It comes from the heart.
THE GUY
You must be miserable.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
I don’t notice much. There’s music to be played.
THE GUY
I envy anyone who can play an instrument. I used to. But it wasn’t a very romantic, sexy one – I played the trombone.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Not really romantic, no.
THE GUY
I don’t play anymore.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Gifts are never gone completely. You should pick something up, give it a try.
THE GUY
I just might do that.
A pause, where the Guy listens to the music. It really takes you out of where you are and sends you to someplace where you might recall that your heart had been broken.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
It takes it out of me and sends it out into the world.
The sadness.
It comes through my blood
up through my skin
out through my fingertips
and finds it way across the bow and the strings
and when the note gets shaped
the sadness rides it like a wave out to sea
and it disappears.
It’s the only way one can survive in the world.
THE GUY
I have a sadness that will not let me go.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Play the music however you can.
Let it go.
It’s never worth the trouble.
The Guy considers. He assumes the position to play an imagined cello. He sends the imagined bow across the imagined strings and a note reverberates throughout the theatre.
He begins to play. The song is lovely.
The Man Who Plays the Saddest Music realizes it’s time for him to go. He takes his instrument up and leaves.
The Guy plays on, and we see a leap take place. A shift. He is thinking of someone. The sadness rides out to sea and there’s only the thought of how nice it will be to hug him again.
The lights go out.
The Guy appears.
THE GUY
That’s beautiful.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Thank you. It comes from the heart.
THE GUY
You must be miserable.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
I don’t notice much. There’s music to be played.
THE GUY
I envy anyone who can play an instrument. I used to. But it wasn’t a very romantic, sexy one – I played the trombone.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Not really romantic, no.
THE GUY
I don’t play anymore.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Gifts are never gone completely. You should pick something up, give it a try.
THE GUY
I just might do that.
A pause, where the Guy listens to the music. It really takes you out of where you are and sends you to someplace where you might recall that your heart had been broken.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
It takes it out of me and sends it out into the world.
The sadness.
It comes through my blood
up through my skin
out through my fingertips
and finds it way across the bow and the strings
and when the note gets shaped
the sadness rides it like a wave out to sea
and it disappears.
It’s the only way one can survive in the world.
THE GUY
I have a sadness that will not let me go.
THE MAN WHO PLAYS THE SADDEST MUSIC
Play the music however you can.
Let it go.
It’s never worth the trouble.
The Guy considers. He assumes the position to play an imagined cello. He sends the imagined bow across the imagined strings and a note reverberates throughout the theatre.
He begins to play. The song is lovely.
The Man Who Plays the Saddest Music realizes it’s time for him to go. He takes his instrument up and leaves.
The Guy plays on, and we see a leap take place. A shift. He is thinking of someone. The sadness rides out to sea and there’s only the thought of how nice it will be to hug him again.
The lights go out.
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