A table reading for a major motion picture to premiere on Lifetime Television. A bevy of ladies sit around the table – familiar ladies, as we will see shortly. They chatter and laugh and are filled with anticipation.
A harried production manager scurries in.
THE HARRIED PRODUCTION MANAGER
He’s arrived! The director has arrived!
A hush. The Director arrives, a plump ego-bloated man with a comb-over. The ladies all applaud. His name, coincidentally, is Hack.
HACK
Ladies! Welcome to the table read of my new Lifetime movie: Blind Stranger in My Heart: The Deceit of Deception.
The ladies all applaud vigorously. As each actress is named, they stand or raise their hand, and the other actresses applaud her.
HACK (cont.)
As you know, the story concerns a middle-aged divorced woman, played by Lisa Rinna, who is concealing the fact that her sister, played by Judith Light, has been abusing her husband, played by Harry Hamlin.
THE HARRIED STAGE MANAGER
Mr. Hamlin couldn’t make it, sir.
HACK
Ah. Then Morgan Fairchild will play Harry Hamlin playing Judith Light’s husband.
The actresses applaud. Morgan Fairchild appears out of nowhere and joins the table read.
HACK (cont.)
The abuse is overheard by a neighbor, played by Valerie Bertinelli, who is the mother of conjoined twin daughters Tracey Gold and Kellie Martin (who are both anorexic and bulimic). In an attempt to stop the abuse, Bertinelli enlists her mother, played by Victoria Principal, to seduce Rinna (because lesbians are hot these days.) Principal, unfortunately, is blind, and therefore mistakes Light for Rinna and seduces the wrong woman. Light, upon discovering the deception, beats the crap out of Principal, and Rinna enlists the conjoined twins to kill Light. The twins, who can’t even agree on their own eating disorder, cannot go through with the murder, and report Rinna to a detective, played by Markie Post. Post hunts down Rinna, only to discover that Rinna is actually the long lost daughter of a woman played by Meredith Baxter-Birney, who is the only surgeon-psychiatrist in the country who can cure the conjoined twins. Secrets are revealed, hearts are mended, and rifts are finally healed.
The actresses all stand and cheer. It’s the best Lifetime movie ever!
THE HARRIED PRODUCTION MANAGER
But that doesn’t make any sense.
A hush falls over the actresses.
THE HARRIED PRODUCTION MANAGER (cont.)
It doesn’t. That’s the most ridiculous plot of a movie I’ve ever heard.
HACK
True. Because you see, my harried production manager, there is a twist!
Hack produces a detonator from his pocket. The actresses gasp in horror. Hack pushes a button. The actresses all explode into a million little pieces of B-level acting talent.
The harried production manager is aghast.
Hack pulls back a mask to reveal he is none other than Dame Judi Dench.
DAME JUDI DENCH
There’s only so much bad acting a Dame can take.
Dame Judi Dench walks away.
The harried production manager realizes in that instant that while she’s glad that we’ll never have to be subjected to another Lifetime movie, Jennifer Love Hewitt is still out there somewhere.
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4 comments:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I can see your mind as streets, with this rebel rouser reeking havoc throughout it for quite some time, until the only thing you could do was throw him in a little play.
if you made that masterpiece I would go and see it! wanna come with me?
Judi Dench is a beast! <3
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