4.25.2007: Digger Is as Digger Does

Two Diggers. Guys who dig holes. They’re hot, too. In that blue collar construction worker kind of way. But they’re probably straight married dads.

They’re on lunch break. Their shovels are at their sides. They each eat a sandwich that their wives probably made.

DIGGER DAN
Sun’s hot today.

DIGGER DO
Yup.

DIGGER DAN
Tv said there might be some rain.

DIGGER DO
Don’t look much like it.

DIGGER DAN
Nope.
DIGGER DO
You know what we’re doing here?

DIGGER DAN
Other than eating a sandwich and digging holes… nope.

A very fabulous man enters.

VERY FABULOUS MAN
Hello, darlings!

DIGGER DAN
Yo.

VERY FABULOUS MAN
I know you’re eating your sandwiches, they look delicious, is that pork? Oh my! But we’ve got a lot to do here, so hop hop! We have get moving.

DIGGER DO
Doing what?

VERY FABULOUS MAN
Digging holes we won’t be able to get ourselves out of! Our client will be here any minute. So we have to get a little further than this! Come on!

DIGGER DAN
I wanna finish my sandwich.

VERY FABULOUS MAN
Of course you do, just look at you. Pot belly. Come on. You don’t need the rest of it. You can feed off yourself until Rosh Hashana. Okay! Dig!

The diggers put down their sandwiches and pick up their shovels.

The Guy enters.

THE GUY
I made it.

VERY FABULOUS MAN
Yes you did, darling! Oh. You look delightful. Is that cashmere?

THE GUY
No.

VERY FABULOSU MAN
Doesn’t matter. You still look delicious. I could just eat you up. Gobble Gobble Gobble. I’m kidding. What do you think of what we’ve got so far?

The Guy examines the hole.

THE GUY
Doesn’t look very deep.

VERY FABULOUS MAN
Not yet! But it will be. Deep enough for you get right down in there and no be able to get your cute self out! Just what you ordered, right?

THE GUY
Right.

VERY FABULOUS MAN
Why don’t you just step right in, and try it on for size. Little test run, what do you say?

The Guy steps into the hole. He disappears to his knees.

VERY FABULOUS MAN (cont.)
Trust me, we’ve got a long way to go, but can’t you just feel the potential. The ground reaching up above your head so far that you can’t get out no matter how hard you try!

THE GUY
I can feel it.

VERY FABULOUS MAN
This is the latest trend, darling! Everyone’s digging holes they can’t get out of. It’s so fashionable. Britney, Don Imus, Alec Baldwin… Even Brad and Angelina are doing it.

THE GUY
I don’t wanna be behind the times.

VERY FABULOUS MAN
Nobody does, darling. Nobody does.

The diggers keep digging. The Very Fabulous Man looks on. The Guy sinks deeper and deeper into the ground.