The Guy and the lovely female assistant. Upstage somewhere is The Illusionist, still in the box, still in three pieces.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
How’s he doing?
THE GUY
Not too good.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
I told him. I warned him that he shouldn’t do it.
THE GUY
Men are stubborn.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
As rocks.
THE GUY
We can’t help it.
Upstage, the Illusionist tries to shake the boxes back into lining up. He struggles, loudly, forcefully. The box shakes. But the three pieces don’t go back together.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
Poor thing. he reminds me of Humpty Dumpty.
THE GUY
A little bit, yeah.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men…
I really liked him at first. He was great. He would tell me after every trick, “Eileen, you’re a wonder.” That’s what he’d call me. His wonder. And when he’d slide my middle section back into place, he’d always hold my gaze, as if to say, “Don’t worry, I’ll put you back together, I promise, I would never leave you in pieces.”
I should have never had sex with him.
I mean, right away. I shouldn’t have had sex with him right away.
It rearranges things, sex does. You ever notice that?
THE GUY
Yeah.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
We did it on the first date. Such a mistake…
It’s like seeing how a trick is done, isn’t it? Having sex with someone too soon. It’s like, the illusion is destroyed. Or the potential for it. Because that what love is to me. The potential for creating a really beautiful illusion. And if you jump to the sex, it’s like seeing where the smoke and mirrors mask all the mechanics of things. There’s nothing left to be learned. You’re exposed to someone…
I wanted him to be something that grew into this beautiful illusion.
But before I knew enough about who he was and what he loved and what made his soul shake with happiness… I knew what his face looked like when he came.
That’s sort of a disappointment, don’t you think?
THE GUY
Yeah.
The Illusionist tries again to put himself back together. He fails.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
Humpty Dumpty…
The Guy wants to talk about someone he’s met. But he holds it in. Maybe in a week he’ll be ready to put this thing that’s happened in the confines of this play.
But for now, there’s just been the incredible force of attraction. And the beginning of something. Possibly.
Because we’ve all seen what happens when a Carrot or a Redneck Intellectual enters the play.
The Illusionist struggles to overcome the problem of being broken in pieces.
The Guy crosses his fingers. And tries to not to ruin the potential for a lovely illusion.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
4.29.2007: Now For The Thing That Comes Next
The Guy and Life/Play, physicalized.
LIFE/PLAY
Still waiting?
THE GUY
Yep.
LIFE/PLAY
Nervous, huh?
THE GUY
You know it.
LIFE/PLAY
Me, too.
THE GUY
I’ve been telling myself, “It’s okay if they say no.”
LIFE/PLAY
Well, it is.
THE GUY
And it isn’t.
LIFE/PLAY
Yeah. And it isn’t.
THE GUY
I tell myself, “If it doesn’t happen, it just wasn’t meant to.”
LIFE/PLAY
Exactly.
THE GUY
But I really want it to happen.
LIFE/PLAY
Me, too.
They wait for the response that’s coming. It might come today. Maybe tomorrow. But it’s coming. And if it goes one way, it makes the future a whole lot more fabulous. If it goes the other way, it just means that there’s a longer road to travel.
But they both know, as they wait, that no matter what the response is, this thing will continue.
The Guy looks at Life/Play. He’s happy with what he sees.
The lights go down.
LIFE/PLAY
Still waiting?
THE GUY
Yep.
LIFE/PLAY
Nervous, huh?
THE GUY
You know it.
LIFE/PLAY
Me, too.
THE GUY
I’ve been telling myself, “It’s okay if they say no.”
LIFE/PLAY
Well, it is.
THE GUY
And it isn’t.
LIFE/PLAY
Yeah. And it isn’t.
THE GUY
I tell myself, “If it doesn’t happen, it just wasn’t meant to.”
LIFE/PLAY
Exactly.
THE GUY
But I really want it to happen.
LIFE/PLAY
Me, too.
They wait for the response that’s coming. It might come today. Maybe tomorrow. But it’s coming. And if it goes one way, it makes the future a whole lot more fabulous. If it goes the other way, it just means that there’s a longer road to travel.
But they both know, as they wait, that no matter what the response is, this thing will continue.
The Guy looks at Life/Play. He’s happy with what he sees.
The lights go down.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
4.28.2007: Three Pieces of a Man (Not That You Notice)
The Illusionist is still in the box. He’s also still in three pieces.
The Guy appears.
THE ILLUSIONIST
She wouldn’t love me.
THE GUY
I’m sorry.
THE ILLUSIONIST
I thought this might help somehow.
THE GUY
Did it?
THE ILLUSIONIST
Not really.
I don’t feel any better. There was a momentary wave of something like relief when I broke into pieces, but that passed pretty quickly. And I went right back to feeling bummed out by her.
She didn’t change her mind. I thought she might, once she saw the lengths I was willing to go through to get her attention. But she didn’t.
Now I just feel kinda dumb.
THE GUY
Why?
THE ILLUSIONIST
Here I am. Three pieces of a man. All because of some girl.
THE GUY
Hey. I’ve been there. Over guys, though.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Ah.
THE GUY
Can’t really beat yourself up about it, though. The heart makes you do crazy things.
THE ILLUSIONIST
I guess so.
Male camaraderie. Neither feels like expounding on this. So they don’t.
The lights go down.
The Guy appears.
THE ILLUSIONIST
She wouldn’t love me.
THE GUY
I’m sorry.
THE ILLUSIONIST
I thought this might help somehow.
THE GUY
Did it?
THE ILLUSIONIST
Not really.
I don’t feel any better. There was a momentary wave of something like relief when I broke into pieces, but that passed pretty quickly. And I went right back to feeling bummed out by her.
She didn’t change her mind. I thought she might, once she saw the lengths I was willing to go through to get her attention. But she didn’t.
Now I just feel kinda dumb.
THE GUY
Why?
THE ILLUSIONIST
Here I am. Three pieces of a man. All because of some girl.
THE GUY
Hey. I’ve been there. Over guys, though.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Ah.
THE GUY
Can’t really beat yourself up about it, though. The heart makes you do crazy things.
THE ILLUSIONIST
I guess so.
Male camaraderie. Neither feels like expounding on this. So they don’t.
The lights go down.
Friday, April 27, 2007
4.27.2007: The Only Impossible Trick
The Illusionist again, this time with his lovely female assistant.
In the center of the stage is the box from the last play.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Just try it.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
I don’t want to.
THE ILLUSIONIST
You don’t mind doing anything else.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
That’s different. Those are magic tricks. Always completely reversible.
THE ILLUSIONIST
So is this.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
I don’t think so.
THE ILLUSIONIST
But it would be such a beautiful way to end our act. A Big Finish!
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
No.
THE ILLUSIONIST
I don’t get you, Eileen. I mean, you have this… talent. You can slide your middle section out two feet beside you. You can make yourself appear and disappear at will. You can allow seven swords to cut through your body and not feel a thing. You can get sawed in half!
And on the verge of doing something truly remarkable, something that I can guarantee will bring down the house tonight (seriously. We’re talking media coverage, interviews… We could even develop a core fan base that will follow us around from mall show to mall show.) You won’t take the plunge.
You’re the only person on the planet who can do this, Eileen.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
I can’t love you.
There’s a long moment. The Illusionist looks very sad.
He moves to the box. He steps inside it.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Then rip me into pieces.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
You won’t be able to get put back together. You don’t have my abilities to repair.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Maybe I don’t want to be put back together. Maybe I want to be broken into three pieces. Maybe I want to be completely out of order.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
Fine but don’t come crying to me when this doesn’t work out like you planned it.
The lovely female assistant proceeds with the magic act. She slides the middle section out beside the Illusionist. His face betrays a searing pain, but he doesn’t make a sound.
The lovely female assistant looks at the empty space where his torso used to be.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT (cont.)
I’ve got nothing to give to fill this space. My well is dry.
THE ILLUSIONIST
It’s all illusion, right? That’s the trick, isn’t it? It’s a trick masquerading as truth masquerading as a trick. Illusion…
Neither is really sure. And they both are stock still as the lights go down.
In the center of the stage is the box from the last play.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Just try it.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
I don’t want to.
THE ILLUSIONIST
You don’t mind doing anything else.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
That’s different. Those are magic tricks. Always completely reversible.
THE ILLUSIONIST
So is this.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
I don’t think so.
THE ILLUSIONIST
But it would be such a beautiful way to end our act. A Big Finish!
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
No.
THE ILLUSIONIST
I don’t get you, Eileen. I mean, you have this… talent. You can slide your middle section out two feet beside you. You can make yourself appear and disappear at will. You can allow seven swords to cut through your body and not feel a thing. You can get sawed in half!
And on the verge of doing something truly remarkable, something that I can guarantee will bring down the house tonight (seriously. We’re talking media coverage, interviews… We could even develop a core fan base that will follow us around from mall show to mall show.) You won’t take the plunge.
You’re the only person on the planet who can do this, Eileen.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
I can’t love you.
There’s a long moment. The Illusionist looks very sad.
He moves to the box. He steps inside it.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Then rip me into pieces.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
You won’t be able to get put back together. You don’t have my abilities to repair.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Maybe I don’t want to be put back together. Maybe I want to be broken into three pieces. Maybe I want to be completely out of order.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT
Fine but don’t come crying to me when this doesn’t work out like you planned it.
The lovely female assistant proceeds with the magic act. She slides the middle section out beside the Illusionist. His face betrays a searing pain, but he doesn’t make a sound.
The lovely female assistant looks at the empty space where his torso used to be.
LOVELY FEMALE ASSISTANT (cont.)
I’ve got nothing to give to fill this space. My well is dry.
THE ILLUSIONIST
It’s all illusion, right? That’s the trick, isn’t it? It’s a trick masquerading as truth masquerading as a trick. Illusion…
Neither is really sure. And they both are stock still as the lights go down.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
4.26.2007: Magic Man
The Guy appears, in one of those magic trick boxes that allows the Illusionist to slide the middle part of a person out from between their upper and lower parts.
At the present moment, though, The Guy is in one piece.
The Illusionist appears.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Hello.
THE GUY
Hi.
THE ILLUSIONIST
You’re not my lovely female assistant.
THE GUY
No.
THE ILLUSIONIST
That’s unfortunate.
THE GUY
For everyone, it seems.
THE ILLUSIONIST
I’m not used to doing these illusions without my lovely female assistant.
THE GUY
Well, it would seem the trick would work with whomever you put in this box. You know, it’s all illusion anyway. So the illusion should work even though I’m neither lovely or female.
THE ILLUSIONIST
You’d think that, wouldn’t you? But they’re not tricks.
THE GUY
What?
THE ILLUSIONIST
That’s the trick. They’re not tricks. The reason I only do this particular illusion with my lovely female assistant is because my lovely female assistant can actually detach the middle part of her body and slide it to the side in this box. Everybody thinks it’s an illusion. Because who else can do that, right? It defies logic. So of course, it must be somehow… deceptive.
but no. She really does it. Night after night. And I can stick swords in her and she never bleeds or does. I can saw her in half (she particularly likes that illusion, she says it feels like a feather being pulled across your stomach when I rip her two halves apart).
None of it is illusion.
THE GUY
I don’t believe you.
THE ILLUSIONIST
People never do.
THE GUY
I bet if you pushed that middle section right now, it would slide out and I would look like man cut in three pieces.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Wanna try?
THE GUY
Absolutely.
The Illusionist steps up to the box. Lights shift. Tense magic music. Hands fullters and magical making gestures from the Illusionist. Then he puts his hands on the middle section…
…and pushes.
THE GUY
OUCH! Jesus Christ, you’re killing me, stop pushing!
He does. Everything returns to non-magical atmosphere.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Told you so.
My favorite part of being an illusionist that that people never know what the true illusion is.
It’s not that we’re able to make fiction look like fact.
It’s that we’re able to make you believe fact is somehow fiction.
The Illusionist makes another magical gesture. Nothing happens.
He laughs. And exits.
The lights go down.
At the present moment, though, The Guy is in one piece.
The Illusionist appears.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Hello.
THE GUY
Hi.
THE ILLUSIONIST
You’re not my lovely female assistant.
THE GUY
No.
THE ILLUSIONIST
That’s unfortunate.
THE GUY
For everyone, it seems.
THE ILLUSIONIST
I’m not used to doing these illusions without my lovely female assistant.
THE GUY
Well, it would seem the trick would work with whomever you put in this box. You know, it’s all illusion anyway. So the illusion should work even though I’m neither lovely or female.
THE ILLUSIONIST
You’d think that, wouldn’t you? But they’re not tricks.
THE GUY
What?
THE ILLUSIONIST
That’s the trick. They’re not tricks. The reason I only do this particular illusion with my lovely female assistant is because my lovely female assistant can actually detach the middle part of her body and slide it to the side in this box. Everybody thinks it’s an illusion. Because who else can do that, right? It defies logic. So of course, it must be somehow… deceptive.
but no. She really does it. Night after night. And I can stick swords in her and she never bleeds or does. I can saw her in half (she particularly likes that illusion, she says it feels like a feather being pulled across your stomach when I rip her two halves apart).
None of it is illusion.
THE GUY
I don’t believe you.
THE ILLUSIONIST
People never do.
THE GUY
I bet if you pushed that middle section right now, it would slide out and I would look like man cut in three pieces.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Wanna try?
THE GUY
Absolutely.
The Illusionist steps up to the box. Lights shift. Tense magic music. Hands fullters and magical making gestures from the Illusionist. Then he puts his hands on the middle section…
…and pushes.
THE GUY
OUCH! Jesus Christ, you’re killing me, stop pushing!
He does. Everything returns to non-magical atmosphere.
THE ILLUSIONIST
Told you so.
My favorite part of being an illusionist that that people never know what the true illusion is.
It’s not that we’re able to make fiction look like fact.
It’s that we’re able to make you believe fact is somehow fiction.
The Illusionist makes another magical gesture. Nothing happens.
He laughs. And exits.
The lights go down.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
4.25.2007: Digger Is as Digger Does
Two Diggers. Guys who dig holes. They’re hot, too. In that blue collar construction worker kind of way. But they’re probably straight married dads.
They’re on lunch break. Their shovels are at their sides. They each eat a sandwich that their wives probably made.
DIGGER DAN
Sun’s hot today.
DIGGER DO
Yup.
DIGGER DAN
Tv said there might be some rain.
DIGGER DO
Don’t look much like it.
DIGGER DAN
Nope.
DIGGER DO
You know what we’re doing here?
DIGGER DAN
Other than eating a sandwich and digging holes… nope.
A very fabulous man enters.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Hello, darlings!
DIGGER DAN
Yo.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
I know you’re eating your sandwiches, they look delicious, is that pork? Oh my! But we’ve got a lot to do here, so hop hop! We have get moving.
DIGGER DO
Doing what?
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Digging holes we won’t be able to get ourselves out of! Our client will be here any minute. So we have to get a little further than this! Come on!
DIGGER DAN
I wanna finish my sandwich.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Of course you do, just look at you. Pot belly. Come on. You don’t need the rest of it. You can feed off yourself until Rosh Hashana. Okay! Dig!
The diggers put down their sandwiches and pick up their shovels.
The Guy enters.
THE GUY
I made it.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Yes you did, darling! Oh. You look delightful. Is that cashmere?
THE GUY
No.
VERY FABULOSU MAN
Doesn’t matter. You still look delicious. I could just eat you up. Gobble Gobble Gobble. I’m kidding. What do you think of what we’ve got so far?
The Guy examines the hole.
THE GUY
Doesn’t look very deep.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Not yet! But it will be. Deep enough for you get right down in there and no be able to get your cute self out! Just what you ordered, right?
THE GUY
Right.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Why don’t you just step right in, and try it on for size. Little test run, what do you say?
The Guy steps into the hole. He disappears to his knees.
VERY FABULOUS MAN (cont.)
Trust me, we’ve got a long way to go, but can’t you just feel the potential. The ground reaching up above your head so far that you can’t get out no matter how hard you try!
THE GUY
I can feel it.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
This is the latest trend, darling! Everyone’s digging holes they can’t get out of. It’s so fashionable. Britney, Don Imus, Alec Baldwin… Even Brad and Angelina are doing it.
THE GUY
I don’t wanna be behind the times.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Nobody does, darling. Nobody does.
The diggers keep digging. The Very Fabulous Man looks on. The Guy sinks deeper and deeper into the ground.
They’re on lunch break. Their shovels are at their sides. They each eat a sandwich that their wives probably made.
DIGGER DAN
Sun’s hot today.
DIGGER DO
Yup.
DIGGER DAN
Tv said there might be some rain.
DIGGER DO
Don’t look much like it.
DIGGER DAN
Nope.
DIGGER DO
You know what we’re doing here?
DIGGER DAN
Other than eating a sandwich and digging holes… nope.
A very fabulous man enters.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Hello, darlings!
DIGGER DAN
Yo.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
I know you’re eating your sandwiches, they look delicious, is that pork? Oh my! But we’ve got a lot to do here, so hop hop! We have get moving.
DIGGER DO
Doing what?
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Digging holes we won’t be able to get ourselves out of! Our client will be here any minute. So we have to get a little further than this! Come on!
DIGGER DAN
I wanna finish my sandwich.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Of course you do, just look at you. Pot belly. Come on. You don’t need the rest of it. You can feed off yourself until Rosh Hashana. Okay! Dig!
The diggers put down their sandwiches and pick up their shovels.
The Guy enters.
THE GUY
I made it.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Yes you did, darling! Oh. You look delightful. Is that cashmere?
THE GUY
No.
VERY FABULOSU MAN
Doesn’t matter. You still look delicious. I could just eat you up. Gobble Gobble Gobble. I’m kidding. What do you think of what we’ve got so far?
The Guy examines the hole.
THE GUY
Doesn’t look very deep.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Not yet! But it will be. Deep enough for you get right down in there and no be able to get your cute self out! Just what you ordered, right?
THE GUY
Right.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Why don’t you just step right in, and try it on for size. Little test run, what do you say?
The Guy steps into the hole. He disappears to his knees.
VERY FABULOUS MAN (cont.)
Trust me, we’ve got a long way to go, but can’t you just feel the potential. The ground reaching up above your head so far that you can’t get out no matter how hard you try!
THE GUY
I can feel it.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
This is the latest trend, darling! Everyone’s digging holes they can’t get out of. It’s so fashionable. Britney, Don Imus, Alec Baldwin… Even Brad and Angelina are doing it.
THE GUY
I don’t wanna be behind the times.
VERY FABULOUS MAN
Nobody does, darling. Nobody does.
The diggers keep digging. The Very Fabulous Man looks on. The Guy sinks deeper and deeper into the ground.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
4.24.2007: Another One Line Play
The Guy.
THE GUY
Dance break!
The Guy starts to dance furiously.
A top hat and cane fall from the sky. He grabs then and starts to tap.
He’s dancing like there’s no tomorrow.
More precisely, like there’s no today. Because he doesn’t know what he wants to write about. It’s another one of those.
But maybe if he dances and waves his arms smiles like aused car salesman, no one’s gonna notice.
You didn’t notice? Did you? Did you?
The lights go down.
THE GUY
Dance break!
The Guy starts to dance furiously.
A top hat and cane fall from the sky. He grabs then and starts to tap.
He’s dancing like there’s no tomorrow.
More precisely, like there’s no today. Because he doesn’t know what he wants to write about. It’s another one of those.
But maybe if he dances and waves his arms smiles like aused car salesman, no one’s gonna notice.
You didn’t notice? Did you? Did you?
The lights go down.
Monday, April 23, 2007
4.23.2007: We Build Our House
The stage is filled with two things: paper and The Guy Back When.
The Guy Back When sits here a while, contemplating the mess around him. Because when I say there’s paper – there’s PAPER… everywhere.
The Guy appears.
THE GUY
What’s all this?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I don’t know. I just showed up and it was… here.
THE GUY
All of it?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
No. At first there’s was probably just half of it. But these flurries come – like little blizzards – and more of it accumulates.
THE GUY
Weird.
A moment where they just contemplate the mess.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
There should be an Eskimo.
Then, an Eskimo appears. Full Eskimo regalia.
AN ESKIMO
Hello.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
An Eskimo!
THE GUY
That’s a little ridiculous.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Well there’s snow. It’s like a literary tundra here. There’s got to be an Eskimo.
THE GUY
It’s clear you’re still a young writer.
AN ESKIMO
I’m homeless.
THE GUY
Where are you going with this?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
You’ll see.
AN ESKIMO
I will build myself an igloo made of snow.
This flat sheetlike snow
and I will press the pages together
and I shall build a house out of drifts and pockets…
what was once barely there
becomes a home.
THE GUY
That’s me, isn’t it?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Well, a little.
I’m sorry I didn’t do what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it.
THE GUY
It’s okay.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
It was scary.
New York was terrifying actually.
I know you think I was a complete loser
for just staying four days,
but you have no idea what it felt like
to sit on that floor at 3 in the morning
calling Paige
crying
hardly being able to breathe
feeling like your heart was just going to explode in your chest from panic
and thinking there was no solution.
I couldn’t see the way out.
I don’t have what you have.
You’re a lot braver than me.
THE GUY
I don’t feel that much braver than you.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
But you are.
I think you did a good thing.
I watched you the last few years
and I think you really found a way to turn that all around.
With your teaching,
and all the stuff you do with those kids.
You built a home out of something that was barely there.
THE GUY
They built me.
They built a home out of something that was barely there.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
They’re not going to fail.
They’re going to go out into the world
and do marvelous things,
and eventually
you won’t need to carry me around anymore.
THE GUY
It’d be weird without you around.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I’ve been holding you back, I think.
I think you just feel sorry for me.
It’s why you keep me around.
AN ESKIMO
May I add something?
THE GUY
Sure.
AN ESKIMO
Your snow isn’t like our snow.
But it works just the same.
And once I’ve turned it into an igloo
I forget sometimes that it was ever something else.
But the snow doesn’t mind.
It’s happy to have been useful.
The Eskimo begins to construct an igloo.
The Guy Back When leaves, maybe never to come back, but we won’t be sure of that just yet.
The Guy hangs around.
The lights go down.
The Guy Back When sits here a while, contemplating the mess around him. Because when I say there’s paper – there’s PAPER… everywhere.
The Guy appears.
THE GUY
What’s all this?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I don’t know. I just showed up and it was… here.
THE GUY
All of it?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
No. At first there’s was probably just half of it. But these flurries come – like little blizzards – and more of it accumulates.
THE GUY
Weird.
A moment where they just contemplate the mess.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
There should be an Eskimo.
Then, an Eskimo appears. Full Eskimo regalia.
AN ESKIMO
Hello.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
An Eskimo!
THE GUY
That’s a little ridiculous.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Well there’s snow. It’s like a literary tundra here. There’s got to be an Eskimo.
THE GUY
It’s clear you’re still a young writer.
AN ESKIMO
I’m homeless.
THE GUY
Where are you going with this?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
You’ll see.
AN ESKIMO
I will build myself an igloo made of snow.
This flat sheetlike snow
and I will press the pages together
and I shall build a house out of drifts and pockets…
what was once barely there
becomes a home.
THE GUY
That’s me, isn’t it?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Well, a little.
I’m sorry I didn’t do what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it.
THE GUY
It’s okay.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
It was scary.
New York was terrifying actually.
I know you think I was a complete loser
for just staying four days,
but you have no idea what it felt like
to sit on that floor at 3 in the morning
calling Paige
crying
hardly being able to breathe
feeling like your heart was just going to explode in your chest from panic
and thinking there was no solution.
I couldn’t see the way out.
I don’t have what you have.
You’re a lot braver than me.
THE GUY
I don’t feel that much braver than you.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
But you are.
I think you did a good thing.
I watched you the last few years
and I think you really found a way to turn that all around.
With your teaching,
and all the stuff you do with those kids.
You built a home out of something that was barely there.
THE GUY
They built me.
They built a home out of something that was barely there.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
They’re not going to fail.
They’re going to go out into the world
and do marvelous things,
and eventually
you won’t need to carry me around anymore.
THE GUY
It’d be weird without you around.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I’ve been holding you back, I think.
I think you just feel sorry for me.
It’s why you keep me around.
AN ESKIMO
May I add something?
THE GUY
Sure.
AN ESKIMO
Your snow isn’t like our snow.
But it works just the same.
And once I’ve turned it into an igloo
I forget sometimes that it was ever something else.
But the snow doesn’t mind.
It’s happy to have been useful.
The Eskimo begins to construct an igloo.
The Guy Back When leaves, maybe never to come back, but we won’t be sure of that just yet.
The Guy hangs around.
The lights go down.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
4.22.2007: Enough Time
The Guy alone on stage.
Suddenly, all the other actors appear.
One by one, they start to speak. Slowly, deliberately. About anything they want to talk about. Maybe some of them play the characters they have played in earlier plays, maybe they just recite lines from other characters they wish they would have played.
The Guy listens to them all, or tries to anyway. It’s tough work trying to hear an individual story here because there’s so much to take in, so much overlapping. But each actor is so earnest in having their story told.
The Guy gets this a lot. Moments when there are a lot of things pulling for his attention, a lot of voices that are drifting about out there that have interesting stories, and he just feels sometimes that it’s impossible to write any one of them down because the abundance of it is sometimes overwhelming.
He wishes there was a play that just had everyone in the world speaking their story on stage, all at once, so that an audience might know what it was like some days to be a writer with too many ideas and not enough time.
The lights go down.
Suddenly, all the other actors appear.
One by one, they start to speak. Slowly, deliberately. About anything they want to talk about. Maybe some of them play the characters they have played in earlier plays, maybe they just recite lines from other characters they wish they would have played.
The Guy listens to them all, or tries to anyway. It’s tough work trying to hear an individual story here because there’s so much to take in, so much overlapping. But each actor is so earnest in having their story told.
The Guy gets this a lot. Moments when there are a lot of things pulling for his attention, a lot of voices that are drifting about out there that have interesting stories, and he just feels sometimes that it’s impossible to write any one of them down because the abundance of it is sometimes overwhelming.
He wishes there was a play that just had everyone in the world speaking their story on stage, all at once, so that an audience might know what it was like some days to be a writer with too many ideas and not enough time.
The lights go down.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
4.21.2007: Carrot / Fella (Your Name is My Name Too)
The Guy, Carrot, and the Fella.
CARROT
Who’s he?
THE GUY
He’s the Fella.
THE FELLA
Well, who’s he?
THE GUY
He’s the Carrot.
They sort of look at each other for a second.
THE GUY (cont.)
His name is your name, too.
CARROT / FELLA
Oh.
THE GUY
So I thought you two might finally need to meet.
CARROT
Well, it’s nice to meet ya, Fella.
THE FELLA
Pleasure’s all mine, Carrot.
Little bit of awkward silence.
CARROT
Does it matter in these things if the truth is sort of blurred?
THE GUY
What do you mean?
CARROT
Well, I’ve never really met him. Not in real life. But we’re meeting here. I’m wondering if that matters. That we can appear together in the same play when we don’t ever appear together in real life.
THE GUY
But you do. Sort of.
THE FELLA
How’s that?
THE GUY
Well.
Tonight I went out.
And I saw you, Carrot.
And it was nice to see you.
I was sort of reminded of all the things that made me like you.
And the couple of times I caught your eye,
there was a little spark of something
something I remember
and it was nice.
But the whole time I was with you,
I was thinking of him.
The Guy points to the Fella.
THE GUY (cont.)
And not just because you have the same name, either.
The Guy turns to The Fella.
THE GUY (cont.)
I keep casting about out there for something to take your place.
Nothing really does.
Out of respect for the truth of the Fella, he says nothing. Because the real Fella never responds to those sort of things.
THE GUY (cont.)
Weird you two have the same name.
The Guy turns to the Carrot, who smiles in that sheepish way he smiles.
The Guy then turns to the Fella, who does that little wink thing.
We think he might turn to us, and say something, but he doesn’t. He stays looking at The Fella. Because he’s gotten used to doing it again, and finds he enjoys it more than he remembered.
The lights go down.
CARROT
Who’s he?
THE GUY
He’s the Fella.
THE FELLA
Well, who’s he?
THE GUY
He’s the Carrot.
They sort of look at each other for a second.
THE GUY (cont.)
His name is your name, too.
CARROT / FELLA
Oh.
THE GUY
So I thought you two might finally need to meet.
CARROT
Well, it’s nice to meet ya, Fella.
THE FELLA
Pleasure’s all mine, Carrot.
Little bit of awkward silence.
CARROT
Does it matter in these things if the truth is sort of blurred?
THE GUY
What do you mean?
CARROT
Well, I’ve never really met him. Not in real life. But we’re meeting here. I’m wondering if that matters. That we can appear together in the same play when we don’t ever appear together in real life.
THE GUY
But you do. Sort of.
THE FELLA
How’s that?
THE GUY
Well.
Tonight I went out.
And I saw you, Carrot.
And it was nice to see you.
I was sort of reminded of all the things that made me like you.
And the couple of times I caught your eye,
there was a little spark of something
something I remember
and it was nice.
But the whole time I was with you,
I was thinking of him.
The Guy points to the Fella.
THE GUY (cont.)
And not just because you have the same name, either.
The Guy turns to The Fella.
THE GUY (cont.)
I keep casting about out there for something to take your place.
Nothing really does.
Out of respect for the truth of the Fella, he says nothing. Because the real Fella never responds to those sort of things.
THE GUY (cont.)
Weird you two have the same name.
The Guy turns to the Carrot, who smiles in that sheepish way he smiles.
The Guy then turns to the Fella, who does that little wink thing.
We think he might turn to us, and say something, but he doesn’t. He stays looking at The Fella. Because he’s gotten used to doing it again, and finds he enjoys it more than he remembered.
The lights go down.
Friday, April 20, 2007
4.20.2007: Permanence
“Turn your mind away from things which are not permanent.” - Buddha
The Husband and The Wife appear.
The Wife speaks to the Husband, but he doesn’t really hear her. He’s occupied with something.
THE WIFE
If you look at me before I count to ten,
I won’t stop loving you.
If you look at me before I hear a car pass outside,
I won’t wish I’d never met you.
If you look at me before you turn the page of whatever you’re reading,
I won’t wish you were dead.
Look at me.
Look at me.
A silence. He does not look at her.
THE WIFE (cont.)
You fail me.
You are not a thing that will last forever.
She looks at him. Then her face erases itself. It is a blank canvas. She holds nothing of her frustration or disappointment or regret. She is a clean slate.
He reads whatever it is he’s been reading as if nothing has happened.
The Husband and The Wife appear.
The Wife speaks to the Husband, but he doesn’t really hear her. He’s occupied with something.
THE WIFE
If you look at me before I count to ten,
I won’t stop loving you.
If you look at me before I hear a car pass outside,
I won’t wish I’d never met you.
If you look at me before you turn the page of whatever you’re reading,
I won’t wish you were dead.
Look at me.
Look at me.
A silence. He does not look at her.
THE WIFE (cont.)
You fail me.
You are not a thing that will last forever.
She looks at him. Then her face erases itself. It is a blank canvas. She holds nothing of her frustration or disappointment or regret. She is a clean slate.
He reads whatever it is he’s been reading as if nothing has happened.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
4.19.2007: One Line Play (Rush Rush Hectic Haste)
The Guy bursts forth onto the stage.
THE GUY
No time! Life is happening!
He exits in a flurry.
THE GUY
No time! Life is happening!
He exits in a flurry.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
4.18.2007: Panic Moment
The stage is empty.
A spotlight comes up center stage.
The Guy emerges from the dark and is found in the light.
The light is pretty hot. He has to squint to see. He might even be sweating a little.
But it might not be the lights. he’s also nervous.
Because when he typed the date for today’s play, he realized he’s probably only a week away from finding out of the packet he sent on 2.12.2007 has been accepted and if this thing he’s been working on is going to come to something big.
Yeah. It’s not the spotlight at all.
He’s scared out of his mind.
A spotlight comes up center stage.
The Guy emerges from the dark and is found in the light.
The light is pretty hot. He has to squint to see. He might even be sweating a little.
But it might not be the lights. he’s also nervous.
Because when he typed the date for today’s play, he realized he’s probably only a week away from finding out of the packet he sent on 2.12.2007 has been accepted and if this thing he’s been working on is going to come to something big.
Yeah. It’s not the spotlight at all.
He’s scared out of his mind.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
4.17.2007: I Can Give You No Other Answer
The Guy sits on the stage floor, holding in his arms the complete text as it currently stands – 200 pages worth of writing.
This is a pretty big deal. 200 pages is a lot for a play.
And this play is different, because it isn’t just a play – it’s his life. he’s holding in his hands three months of a life lived, and each day (some little piece of each day) is documented.
You can flip through and see how far away things like The Redneck Intellectual have gotten from him.
You can turn a page and remember exactly what a random Tuesday in February felt like.
There’s something a little lovely about this.
Maybe not for you. But for The Guy.
The Uncertain Future appears.
THE GUY
I haven’t seen you in a while.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
I know. What are you doing?
THE GUY
Holding three months in my hands.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
Impressive.
THE GUY
I wonder how heavy a year will be.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
Imagine a decade.
THE GUY
Three.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
Five.
THE GUY
Imagine the last day.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
That could be any day.
This is the first time The Guy’s ever considered this.
THE GUY
I don’t want to end without anything to show for it.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
So you continue.
THE GUY
So I continue.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
No other reason?
THE GUY
I can give no other answer. No.
The lights go down.
This is a pretty big deal. 200 pages is a lot for a play.
And this play is different, because it isn’t just a play – it’s his life. he’s holding in his hands three months of a life lived, and each day (some little piece of each day) is documented.
You can flip through and see how far away things like The Redneck Intellectual have gotten from him.
You can turn a page and remember exactly what a random Tuesday in February felt like.
There’s something a little lovely about this.
Maybe not for you. But for The Guy.
The Uncertain Future appears.
THE GUY
I haven’t seen you in a while.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
I know. What are you doing?
THE GUY
Holding three months in my hands.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
Impressive.
THE GUY
I wonder how heavy a year will be.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
Imagine a decade.
THE GUY
Three.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
Five.
THE GUY
Imagine the last day.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
That could be any day.
This is the first time The Guy’s ever considered this.
THE GUY
I don’t want to end without anything to show for it.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
So you continue.
THE GUY
So I continue.
UNCERTAIN FUTURE
No other reason?
THE GUY
I can give no other answer. No.
The lights go down.
Monday, April 16, 2007
4.16.2007: Audition (I Compare Them to You)
The Guy stands at a table, with a dozen headshots laid across it. Maybe a few dozen. He considers them carefully.
The Guy looks up and out, beyond the fourth wall, and speaks to someone we can’t see.
THE GUY
Look.
Thank you for your time.
But.
You’re just not what I’m looking for right now.
I mean, you’ve got all the credentials
you’ve been well trained
you look adorable
your audition was excellent
and I’m pretty sure that you haven’t made up half your resume
But.
You’re just not what I’m looking for right now.
You see, the trouble is
I have this very clear picture in my mind of who I want for this role
and when you walked in the room,
I had this flash, you know,
a second when I thought
“This might be the one.”
But
You’re just not what I’m looking for right now.
I’m not saying you wouldn’t be good.
You probably would be
You’d probably be great
And you know we could probably rehearse for a while
and things would seem like they’re going well
and that we’re really understanding each other’s creative process here
but there’s going to be that moment
when I turn to you and I’ll be very disappointed
that you are not the thing I had I my mind
that I settled on you
when I was very clear what I wanted.
And don’t you want to be spared that
Don’t you want to be spared the disappointment
and the awkwardness that comes later?
I know, I know,
I might not ever get what i want
coming through that door
and I might end up without a lead
and the show will fall apart
and I’ll be sitting back here at square one wishing I’d just cast you
and made the best of it
But I’m an idealist, you know,
I have these big dreams of things
And I have this vision of what would really make me happy.
So listen,
thanks for coming out today
I really appreciate it
But
You’re just not what I’m looking for right now.
We hear a door close.
A silence.
We hear a door open. We hear footsteps.
THE GUY
Hi.
Headshot and resume?
Thanks.
The Guy looks up and out, beyond the fourth wall, and speaks to someone we can’t see.
THE GUY
Look.
Thank you for your time.
But.
You’re just not what I’m looking for right now.
I mean, you’ve got all the credentials
you’ve been well trained
you look adorable
your audition was excellent
and I’m pretty sure that you haven’t made up half your resume
But.
You’re just not what I’m looking for right now.
You see, the trouble is
I have this very clear picture in my mind of who I want for this role
and when you walked in the room,
I had this flash, you know,
a second when I thought
“This might be the one.”
But
You’re just not what I’m looking for right now.
I’m not saying you wouldn’t be good.
You probably would be
You’d probably be great
And you know we could probably rehearse for a while
and things would seem like they’re going well
and that we’re really understanding each other’s creative process here
but there’s going to be that moment
when I turn to you and I’ll be very disappointed
that you are not the thing I had I my mind
that I settled on you
when I was very clear what I wanted.
And don’t you want to be spared that
Don’t you want to be spared the disappointment
and the awkwardness that comes later?
I know, I know,
I might not ever get what i want
coming through that door
and I might end up without a lead
and the show will fall apart
and I’ll be sitting back here at square one wishing I’d just cast you
and made the best of it
But I’m an idealist, you know,
I have these big dreams of things
And I have this vision of what would really make me happy.
So listen,
thanks for coming out today
I really appreciate it
But
You’re just not what I’m looking for right now.
We hear a door close.
A silence.
We hear a door open. We hear footsteps.
THE GUY
Hi.
Headshot and resume?
Thanks.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
4.15.2007: Love You, Love You Not
The Husband and The Wife, in an unexpected appearance.
THE WIFE
I don’t love you.
THE HUSBAND
What?
THE WIFE
I don’t love you.
THE HUSBAND
You don’t love me anymore?
THE WIFE
I didn’t say that. I didn’t say “anymore.” I don’t love you now.
THE HUSBAND
You don’t’ love me now.
THE WIFE
Right now. In this particular moment. I don’t love you.
THE HUSBAND
Does that pass?
THE WIFE
Typically. I’ll go back to loving you in a moment or two.
THE HUSBAND
That’s good.
THE WIFE
Don’t worry. It never stays for long.
THE HUSBAND
May I ask you something?
THE WIFE
Sure.
THE HUSBAND
What does it feel like?
THE WIFE
Not loving you?
THE HUSBAND
Yes.
THE WIFE
Wonderful. No offense. It feels like I’ve let everything fall away from me, and I am completely unfettered. You don’t exist anymore. You’re just this memory I can’t grab on to very clearly. And I feel like I can do anything in the world because I am tied to nothing. I just want to scream with joy. Because you can do that, you know, scream with joy. And I want to do that when I don’t love you.
THE HUSBAND
Oh. I see.
A few moments of silence.
THE WIFE
I love you again.
THE HUSBAND
You do?
THE WIFE
Yes. See? I told you. Wait a few moments, and it passes.
Silence.
THE WIFE (cont.)
I know I love you again because I feel stones piled up high inside my chest. A weight. Like a shadow that passes over a field and chills you.
The lights go down.
THE WIFE
I don’t love you.
THE HUSBAND
What?
THE WIFE
I don’t love you.
THE HUSBAND
You don’t love me anymore?
THE WIFE
I didn’t say that. I didn’t say “anymore.” I don’t love you now.
THE HUSBAND
You don’t’ love me now.
THE WIFE
Right now. In this particular moment. I don’t love you.
THE HUSBAND
Does that pass?
THE WIFE
Typically. I’ll go back to loving you in a moment or two.
THE HUSBAND
That’s good.
THE WIFE
Don’t worry. It never stays for long.
THE HUSBAND
May I ask you something?
THE WIFE
Sure.
THE HUSBAND
What does it feel like?
THE WIFE
Not loving you?
THE HUSBAND
Yes.
THE WIFE
Wonderful. No offense. It feels like I’ve let everything fall away from me, and I am completely unfettered. You don’t exist anymore. You’re just this memory I can’t grab on to very clearly. And I feel like I can do anything in the world because I am tied to nothing. I just want to scream with joy. Because you can do that, you know, scream with joy. And I want to do that when I don’t love you.
THE HUSBAND
Oh. I see.
A few moments of silence.
THE WIFE
I love you again.
THE HUSBAND
You do?
THE WIFE
Yes. See? I told you. Wait a few moments, and it passes.
Silence.
THE WIFE (cont.)
I know I love you again because I feel stones piled up high inside my chest. A weight. Like a shadow that passes over a field and chills you.
The lights go down.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
4.14.2007: This Must be The Problem
Circus music.
The Guy appears. He is joined by The Representative Date Man.
THE GUY
Hi.
THE REPRESENTATIVE DATE MAN
Hey. It’s good to finally meet you.
THE GUY
I know. I’ve enjoyed chatting with you.
THE REPRESENTATIVE DATE MAN
Am I what you expected?
THE GUY
Yeah. Definitely. You’re handsome.
THE REPRESENTATIVE DATE MAN
Thanks buddy.
THE GUY
How about me? Am I what you expected?
THE REPRESENTATIVE DATE MAN
Yeah. You are.
THE GUY
I’m just me.
In an attempt to be amusing. The Guy does a little turn, like to show himself off, and reveals, growing out of the back of his neck, another head, a growling hideous monster with a hairy face and fangs dripping electric green venom -- a head that tires to attack the Representative Date Man.
The Representative Date Man is frightened. Of course.
The Guy finishes his spin, and is none the wiser.
THE GUY
So, I’ve enjoyed our date. You wanna go out again sometime?
The Representative Date Man screams and runs away.
The Guy is left alone, a bit perplexed.
He turns to us.
THE GUY (cont.)
Seriously. This must be the problem. Otherwise, I don’t know what the fuck is going on.
He leaves. We get a final look at the monster head.
It looks like it’s laughing.
The Guy appears. He is joined by The Representative Date Man.
THE GUY
Hi.
THE REPRESENTATIVE DATE MAN
Hey. It’s good to finally meet you.
THE GUY
I know. I’ve enjoyed chatting with you.
THE REPRESENTATIVE DATE MAN
Am I what you expected?
THE GUY
Yeah. Definitely. You’re handsome.
THE REPRESENTATIVE DATE MAN
Thanks buddy.
THE GUY
How about me? Am I what you expected?
THE REPRESENTATIVE DATE MAN
Yeah. You are.
THE GUY
I’m just me.
In an attempt to be amusing. The Guy does a little turn, like to show himself off, and reveals, growing out of the back of his neck, another head, a growling hideous monster with a hairy face and fangs dripping electric green venom -- a head that tires to attack the Representative Date Man.
The Representative Date Man is frightened. Of course.
The Guy finishes his spin, and is none the wiser.
THE GUY
So, I’ve enjoyed our date. You wanna go out again sometime?
The Representative Date Man screams and runs away.
The Guy is left alone, a bit perplexed.
He turns to us.
THE GUY (cont.)
Seriously. This must be the problem. Otherwise, I don’t know what the fuck is going on.
He leaves. We get a final look at the monster head.
It looks like it’s laughing.
Friday, April 13, 2007
4.13.2007: This Is What It Feels Like (You Know Who You Are)
The Instructor appears. The Guy is center stage, looking out at us.
THE INSTRUCTOR
Good afternoon, class.
Today, a visual aid to help us understand a complicated situation.
This is what it feels like…
The Instructor points to the Guy.
The Guy begins to speak. Although no words come out of his mouth. All we hear is static, fuzz, white noise, garbles words, intermittent radio transmissions, opera, talk radio, cheesy radio car commercials, screams, everything sort of mixed together.
The Guy is increasingly frustrated by this. He starts to scream. But no actual voice of his emerges. He screams harder, more ferociously, until his face becomes red and the veins in his neck tense and pulse and he looks like he might explode.
The Guy stops speaking. The noise ends.
THE INSTRUCTOR
This is what it feels like when you can’t get what you want.
Class dismissed.
The lights go down.
THE INSTRUCTOR
Good afternoon, class.
Today, a visual aid to help us understand a complicated situation.
This is what it feels like…
The Instructor points to the Guy.
The Guy begins to speak. Although no words come out of his mouth. All we hear is static, fuzz, white noise, garbles words, intermittent radio transmissions, opera, talk radio, cheesy radio car commercials, screams, everything sort of mixed together.
The Guy is increasingly frustrated by this. He starts to scream. But no actual voice of his emerges. He screams harder, more ferociously, until his face becomes red and the veins in his neck tense and pulse and he looks like he might explode.
The Guy stops speaking. The noise ends.
THE INSTRUCTOR
This is what it feels like when you can’t get what you want.
Class dismissed.
The lights go down.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
4.12.2007: Considering Personal Failures (Lesson Number One)
The Guy and The Instructor.
THE INSTRUCTOR
Let’s begin with something simple, today shall we?
Model!
The Guy Back When emerges.
THE INSTRUCTOR
What we have here is a perfect example of what we were talking about before. Tell us, young man, what do you want?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I want to be a playwright.
THE INSTRUCTOR
Very good. You see even at this age (the subject is twenty), there is a clear direction. A very tangible and attainable goal. “I want to be a playwright.” Very good.
Now tell us what you’re doing about it.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Nothing.
THE INSTRUCTOR
See, and this is where things get a little cloudy. “Nothing.” He’s doing nothing to attain that goal. That clear and tangible goal.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I have reasons.
THE INSTRUCTOR
They always have reasons.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
So it’s not like I’m just doing nothing.
THE INSTRUCTOR
This kind of subject – the subject who aspires without active involvement in what he aspires to – always seems to think that the doing of nothing with good intention constitutes doing something.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I’m still in school.
THE INSTRUCTOR
And what do you do when you finish?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I don’t finish.
THE INSTRUCTOR
And what do you do when you don’t finish?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I stay here.
THE INSTRUCTOR
Exactly.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
But I told you. There are reasons…
THE INSTRUCTOR
This is done without judgment, young man. Merely as an example to prevent the mistakes of the past from being repeated.
The Instructor turns his gaze on the Guy.
THE INSTRUCTOR (cont.)
Consider yourself and what the years that followed this felt like.
Because you’re coming up on a difficult time,
and you know how you get during difficult times.
You cannot allow yourself to repeat the mistakes of the past.
You can feel as fondly as you want about him
but he made mistakes.
Errors.
There is nothing that can be done to change that fact.
Learn from your experience.
Class dismissed.
The Instructor leaves. The Guy and The Guy Back When contemplate each other.
The lights go down.
THE INSTRUCTOR
Let’s begin with something simple, today shall we?
Model!
The Guy Back When emerges.
THE INSTRUCTOR
What we have here is a perfect example of what we were talking about before. Tell us, young man, what do you want?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I want to be a playwright.
THE INSTRUCTOR
Very good. You see even at this age (the subject is twenty), there is a clear direction. A very tangible and attainable goal. “I want to be a playwright.” Very good.
Now tell us what you’re doing about it.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Nothing.
THE INSTRUCTOR
See, and this is where things get a little cloudy. “Nothing.” He’s doing nothing to attain that goal. That clear and tangible goal.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I have reasons.
THE INSTRUCTOR
They always have reasons.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
So it’s not like I’m just doing nothing.
THE INSTRUCTOR
This kind of subject – the subject who aspires without active involvement in what he aspires to – always seems to think that the doing of nothing with good intention constitutes doing something.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I’m still in school.
THE INSTRUCTOR
And what do you do when you finish?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I don’t finish.
THE INSTRUCTOR
And what do you do when you don’t finish?
THE GUY BACK WHEN
I stay here.
THE INSTRUCTOR
Exactly.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
But I told you. There are reasons…
THE INSTRUCTOR
This is done without judgment, young man. Merely as an example to prevent the mistakes of the past from being repeated.
The Instructor turns his gaze on the Guy.
THE INSTRUCTOR (cont.)
Consider yourself and what the years that followed this felt like.
Because you’re coming up on a difficult time,
and you know how you get during difficult times.
You cannot allow yourself to repeat the mistakes of the past.
You can feel as fondly as you want about him
but he made mistakes.
Errors.
There is nothing that can be done to change that fact.
Learn from your experience.
Class dismissed.
The Instructor leaves. The Guy and The Guy Back When contemplate each other.
The lights go down.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
4.11.2007: The Furniture of Home
“All the conventions conspire / to make this fort assume / the furniture of home.”
- W. H. Auden
The Guy and the Real Estate Lady.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
I think you might like this one.
THE GUY
I hope so.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
It’s only been on the market for a little while. But it’s one of the nicer spaces we have listed.
THE GUY
It’s nice.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
It’s very versatile. You can do almost anything with it.
THE GUY
I see.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
You’re looking for a place to grow into? Or a temporary space?
THE GUY
Place to grow into.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
Oh, then this’ll suit you wonderfully. Lots of ways to grow into a space like this. Put up some walls. Modify the lighting design. You can pretty put anything here you’d like. This can be anything you want it to be.
THE GUY
Nice.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
So, you single? Married?
THE GUY
Single.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
Oh.
THE GUY
I’m looking for something that can become a home.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
Wonderful thing about a space like this. It’s always the kind of home you want it to be.
We’ve had all sorts of people take a space like this.
They fill them with all sorts of things,
some very minimal,
some of them really overblown and gaudy,
some small couples,
some singles (like you)
some huge families
but they always love it when it’s just like this.
I don’t get that, really.
I mean, come on,
it’s an empty space!
But when I show one of these places,
they always just like to stand in it, and look around
and you can just see the wheels turning,
little wheels grinding
and I always wonder what they’re thinking about
what do they see when they’re looking at an empty space.
THE GUY
It’s not an empty space.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
That’s always what they say.
THE GUY
It’s everything at once.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
Theatre types!
THE GUY
It’s everything at once.
Silence for a moment. They stand there. The theatrical space feels full even thought it isn’t.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
So… you interested?
THE GUY
I’ll take it.
The Real Estate Lady begins to fumble with papers ad the lights go down.
- W. H. Auden
The Guy and the Real Estate Lady.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
I think you might like this one.
THE GUY
I hope so.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
It’s only been on the market for a little while. But it’s one of the nicer spaces we have listed.
THE GUY
It’s nice.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
It’s very versatile. You can do almost anything with it.
THE GUY
I see.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
You’re looking for a place to grow into? Or a temporary space?
THE GUY
Place to grow into.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
Oh, then this’ll suit you wonderfully. Lots of ways to grow into a space like this. Put up some walls. Modify the lighting design. You can pretty put anything here you’d like. This can be anything you want it to be.
THE GUY
Nice.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
So, you single? Married?
THE GUY
Single.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
Oh.
THE GUY
I’m looking for something that can become a home.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
Wonderful thing about a space like this. It’s always the kind of home you want it to be.
We’ve had all sorts of people take a space like this.
They fill them with all sorts of things,
some very minimal,
some of them really overblown and gaudy,
some small couples,
some singles (like you)
some huge families
but they always love it when it’s just like this.
I don’t get that, really.
I mean, come on,
it’s an empty space!
But when I show one of these places,
they always just like to stand in it, and look around
and you can just see the wheels turning,
little wheels grinding
and I always wonder what they’re thinking about
what do they see when they’re looking at an empty space.
THE GUY
It’s not an empty space.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
That’s always what they say.
THE GUY
It’s everything at once.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
Theatre types!
THE GUY
It’s everything at once.
Silence for a moment. They stand there. The theatrical space feels full even thought it isn’t.
THE REAL ESTATE LADY
So… you interested?
THE GUY
I’ll take it.
The Real Estate Lady begins to fumble with papers ad the lights go down.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
4.10.2007: The Same River Twice
The Brother appears, dressed as Pocahontas.
THE BROTHER AS POCAHONTAS
You can never step into the same river twice.
The Guy appears.
THE GUY
Hey Pocahontas.
THE BROTHER AS POCAHONTAS
Yes?
THE GUY
About that river…
THE BROTHER AS POCAHONTAS
What about it?
THE GUY
Sometimes you can.
The Guy goes. Pocohontas looks out, a little bewildered.
THE BROTHER AS POCAHONTAS
You can never step into the same river twice.
The Guy appears.
THE GUY
Hey Pocahontas.
THE BROTHER AS POCAHONTAS
Yes?
THE GUY
About that river…
THE BROTHER AS POCAHONTAS
What about it?
THE GUY
Sometimes you can.
The Guy goes. Pocohontas looks out, a little bewildered.
4.9.2007: We Gather the World in Our Arms
The actors are assembled. They speak simultaneously, each speaking about something that makes them almost inexpressibly happy. Their faces radiate with joy.
An actor steps forward.
AN ACTOR
We gather the world in our arms!
They all stop speaking. And for a moment, they just stand there, perfectly themselves, perfectly at rest, just simply…
…perfect.
AN ACTOR
Sometimes there’s only the space between you and your happiness to cross.
The lights go down.
An actor steps forward.
AN ACTOR
We gather the world in our arms!
They all stop speaking. And for a moment, they just stand there, perfectly themselves, perfectly at rest, just simply…
…perfect.
AN ACTOR
Sometimes there’s only the space between you and your happiness to cross.
The lights go down.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
4.8.2007: The Easter Play (I Love Ye, Human Attis)
…with respect to The Fella for his contribution.
THE GUY
Happy Resurrection day
THE FELLA
Thanks. Yay Attis has risen again
THE GUY
Huh?
THE FELLA
Attis. A Greek god who the character Jesus was influenced by most likely. HHHe's a resurrection diety. He dies and comes back each year.
THE GUY
He sounds like a fun guy
THE FELLA
Not really. What happened was Cybele, the goddess, was all
"I LOVE YE, HUMAN ATTIS"
"If you love me back, I'll give you eternal youth"
and he's like "fuck yea"
until one day
he wanders into a forest and sees a hot nymph
and he's all "boing"
and "loses his youth" to her
Cybele gets pissed, charges up his credit cards, and then makes him go mad
in his madness, he cuts off his balls
his blood makes some flowers grow
and he dies
then she's all "shit, I'm such a woman. I overreacted"
and she brings him back to life
more or less.
THE GUY
The Greeks knew how to make a myth.
THE FELLA
Yea.
THE GUY
Blood, sex, high drama.
THE FELLA
And hot nymphs.
The lights go down.
THE GUY
Happy Resurrection day
THE FELLA
Thanks. Yay Attis has risen again
THE GUY
Huh?
THE FELLA
Attis. A Greek god who the character Jesus was influenced by most likely. HHHe's a resurrection diety. He dies and comes back each year.
THE GUY
He sounds like a fun guy
THE FELLA
Not really. What happened was Cybele, the goddess, was all
"I LOVE YE, HUMAN ATTIS"
"If you love me back, I'll give you eternal youth"
and he's like "fuck yea"
until one day
he wanders into a forest and sees a hot nymph
and he's all "boing"
and "loses his youth" to her
Cybele gets pissed, charges up his credit cards, and then makes him go mad
in his madness, he cuts off his balls
his blood makes some flowers grow
and he dies
then she's all "shit, I'm such a woman. I overreacted"
and she brings him back to life
more or less.
THE GUY
The Greeks knew how to make a myth.
THE FELLA
Yea.
THE GUY
Blood, sex, high drama.
THE FELLA
And hot nymphs.
The lights go down.
4.8.2007: Moment Passes
The Husband and The Wife, in their final appearance.
THE HUSBAND
When we got married…
THE WIFE
… I told his mother I had no intention of having children…
THE HUSBAND
… and my mother said, “well, what kind of marriage…
THE WIFE
… is one without children?” I told her she was being ridiculous.
THE HUSBAND
We wanted this marriage to be about just the two of us.
THE WIFE
“Marriage is about making a family,” she said.
THE HUSBAND
I didn’t mind at first.
THE WIFE
We are a family unto ourselves.
THE HUSBAND
At first, I didn’t think we’d need anything else.
THE WIFE
Children complicate things.
THE HUSBAND
Because when you find the person you love…
THE WIFE
We can build a world just the two of us.
THE HUSBAND
… shouldn’t they be enough? Shouldn’t they complete a life?
THE WIFE
Children can distract you from each other.
THE HUSBAND
But I look at her sometimes…
THE WIFE
I catch his eye sometimes…
THE HUSBAND
And a voice in my head says, “she’s not enough.”
THE WIFE
This sort of blank look.
THE HUSBAND
It vanishes in a second, of course.
THE WIFE
Then it’s gone and we go back to bills or dishes…
THE HUSBAND
But for a second…
THE WIFE
… or laundry
THE HUSBAND
I regret everything.
THE WIFE
When I kiss him sometimes, there’s a space. Even though we’re touching, there’s a space I can’t seem to cross.
Silence. The lights go down.
THE HUSBAND
When we got married…
THE WIFE
… I told his mother I had no intention of having children…
THE HUSBAND
… and my mother said, “well, what kind of marriage…
THE WIFE
… is one without children?” I told her she was being ridiculous.
THE HUSBAND
We wanted this marriage to be about just the two of us.
THE WIFE
“Marriage is about making a family,” she said.
THE HUSBAND
I didn’t mind at first.
THE WIFE
We are a family unto ourselves.
THE HUSBAND
At first, I didn’t think we’d need anything else.
THE WIFE
Children complicate things.
THE HUSBAND
Because when you find the person you love…
THE WIFE
We can build a world just the two of us.
THE HUSBAND
… shouldn’t they be enough? Shouldn’t they complete a life?
THE WIFE
Children can distract you from each other.
THE HUSBAND
But I look at her sometimes…
THE WIFE
I catch his eye sometimes…
THE HUSBAND
And a voice in my head says, “she’s not enough.”
THE WIFE
This sort of blank look.
THE HUSBAND
It vanishes in a second, of course.
THE WIFE
Then it’s gone and we go back to bills or dishes…
THE HUSBAND
But for a second…
THE WIFE
… or laundry
THE HUSBAND
I regret everything.
THE WIFE
When I kiss him sometimes, there’s a space. Even though we’re touching, there’s a space I can’t seem to cross.
Silence. The lights go down.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
4.7.2007: Inebriate
The Guy stands center stage. He’s still. Unassuming.
Then, the opening notes of “I Will Survive” ring out.
As the lyrics begin, The Guy queens out and lip syncs fabulously to the song. His moves are gayer than actually having gay sex. We’ve never seen him like this before.
He is uninhibited, flamboyant, and on the verge of being out of control.
It’s pretty funny.
The Guy Back When appears, and sees this sight. He recognizes it right away.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Hey.
THE GUY
Hey, girl!
THE GUY BACK WHEN
You went out and got drunk, didn’t you?
THE GUY
Oh yeah!
He continues his fabulousness as The guy Back When shakes his head and walks away.
Then, the opening notes of “I Will Survive” ring out.
As the lyrics begin, The Guy queens out and lip syncs fabulously to the song. His moves are gayer than actually having gay sex. We’ve never seen him like this before.
He is uninhibited, flamboyant, and on the verge of being out of control.
It’s pretty funny.
The Guy Back When appears, and sees this sight. He recognizes it right away.
THE GUY BACK WHEN
Hey.
THE GUY
Hey, girl!
THE GUY BACK WHEN
You went out and got drunk, didn’t you?
THE GUY
Oh yeah!
He continues his fabulousness as The guy Back When shakes his head and walks away.
Friday, April 6, 2007
4.6.2007: I Can See Past What I Remember
The Chair of Forgetfulness.
The Guy sits here. No one else is around.
He stands up, looks around.
Something’s got to change here, right? This has gone on too long.
There is nothing wrong with what he’s chosen to do. Sometimes to resign to things is the smartest thing a guy can do.
He leaves.
The lights go down.
The Guy sits here. No one else is around.
He stands up, looks around.
Something’s got to change here, right? This has gone on too long.
There is nothing wrong with what he’s chosen to do. Sometimes to resign to things is the smartest thing a guy can do.
He leaves.
The lights go down.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
4.5.2007: The Sepia Play
The Husband and The Wife – only this time they’re from the turn of the century and they’re in shades of sepia. They’re posed for a wedding photograph.
A Photographer is apart, ready to take their picture.
THE WIFE
Don’t let him take our picture.
THE HUSBAND
Why? This is our wedding photograph.
THE WIFE
Don’t let him take it.
THE HUSBAND
You’re being ridiculous.
THE WIFE
We’ll be preserved. Forever. This moment in time.
THE HUSBAND
I want to remember this moment.
THE WIFE
But we might not manage it.
THE HUSBAND
Manage what?
THE WIFE
Surviving this photograph. The expectation of it. What it preserves.
THE HUSBAND
Smile. He’s ready to take the photograph.
THE WIFE
We’ll just be sepia-toned smiling faces, and a hundred years from now, people will think we were happy.
THE HUSBAND
We are happy.
THE WIFE
Right now. But what about tomorrow? Next year? Ten years?
THE HUSBAND
He’s ready to take the photograph.
THE WIFE
They will look at this picture and they will construct a life for us in their heads. One that might not be ours. We’ll be dead, and all that will remain is this fragment left behind, fading around the edges, a couple smiling out at the world as if nothing could ever go wrong.
THE HUSBAND
Smile.
THE WIFE
At what?
THE HUSBAND
The photographer is waiting.
A moment. She smiles. He smiles. The Photograph is taken. The Wife rises.
THE WIFE
Everything will fall apart.
She walks away. The lights go down.
A Photographer is apart, ready to take their picture.
THE WIFE
Don’t let him take our picture.
THE HUSBAND
Why? This is our wedding photograph.
THE WIFE
Don’t let him take it.
THE HUSBAND
You’re being ridiculous.
THE WIFE
We’ll be preserved. Forever. This moment in time.
THE HUSBAND
I want to remember this moment.
THE WIFE
But we might not manage it.
THE HUSBAND
Manage what?
THE WIFE
Surviving this photograph. The expectation of it. What it preserves.
THE HUSBAND
Smile. He’s ready to take the photograph.
THE WIFE
We’ll just be sepia-toned smiling faces, and a hundred years from now, people will think we were happy.
THE HUSBAND
We are happy.
THE WIFE
Right now. But what about tomorrow? Next year? Ten years?
THE HUSBAND
He’s ready to take the photograph.
THE WIFE
They will look at this picture and they will construct a life for us in their heads. One that might not be ours. We’ll be dead, and all that will remain is this fragment left behind, fading around the edges, a couple smiling out at the world as if nothing could ever go wrong.
THE HUSBAND
Smile.
THE WIFE
At what?
THE HUSBAND
The photographer is waiting.
A moment. She smiles. He smiles. The Photograph is taken. The Wife rises.
THE WIFE
Everything will fall apart.
She walks away. The lights go down.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
4.4.2007: Exegesis
The Chair of Forgetfulness. Pirithous sits here.
The Guy and The Fella, apart.
PIRITHOUS
Repeat.
THE GUY
I can’t see you anymore.
THE FELLA
Why?
THE GUY
This has been great and all. But I’m moving back in with him.
THE FELLA
But you broke up.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
You broke up. You moved out. You’re dating me.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
Why are you doing this?
THE GUY
I have to. It was five years…
THE FELLA
But you have me now. This is going well. I thought this was going really well.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
Then why are you doing this?
THE GUY
Because I have to do this. I spent five years with someone. This has been, what? A few months? One officially. I can’t just undo all of that so easily. I need to make sure.
THE FELLA
But you’ll turn you back on this.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
You’ll turn you back on me.
THE GUY
I need to make sure. I’m sorry.
PRITHOUS
Repeat.
THE GUY
I can’t see you anymore.
THE FELLA
Why?
THE GUY
This has been great and all. But I’m moving back in with him.
THE FELLA
But you broke up.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
You broke up. You moved out. You’re dating me.
There’s a moment. The Guy seems to make a shift. He pulls away from the Fella. He moves downstage and speaks to where The Voice of the Playwright can be found.
THE GUY
Stop this. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep going over and over this one moment. This one failure. And I have been playing it over and over again for months. Because this one choice. This one single choice. It gnaws at me. It persists. It yells at me down hallways and it will not let me go.
I feel like this has set every other thing on its course.
And every course is uncertain.
This one misstep has sent the whole mechanism out of whack.
There was a road to be followed, and I opted not to follow it.
Now I’m wandering down some uncharted path.
Sometimes I am too scared to move.
I’m always looking over my shoulder.
Why am I always looking over my shoulder?
What’s been lost is lost, and you can’t get it back.
Stop replaying this one thing.
This one error.
This one choice out of thousands of good ones you’ve made in your life.
Let this go.
PIRITHOUS
Repeat.
THE GUY
No.
PIRITHOUS
Repeat.
THE GUY
No. I won’t. I won’t continue this anymore.
The Fella turns to him.
THE FELLA
I may never look at you again the way I looked at you that night.
I wanted you to choose me.
You didn’t.
That’s what has happened.
Either accept it, or erase everything.
But you cannot go back.
The Guy hears this. He makes a decision.
He moves to the Chair of Forgetfulness. Pirithous stands. The Guy takes the position to sit down in the chair.
He looks at the Fella. He tries to memorize him.
He sits in the Chair. He closes his eyes.
A moment passes. The Guy’s face clouds over. Things disappear from it. Trouble evaporates from the features of his face. He relaxes. Calm.
He opens his eyes.
The lights go down.
The Guy and The Fella, apart.
PIRITHOUS
Repeat.
THE GUY
I can’t see you anymore.
THE FELLA
Why?
THE GUY
This has been great and all. But I’m moving back in with him.
THE FELLA
But you broke up.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
You broke up. You moved out. You’re dating me.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
Why are you doing this?
THE GUY
I have to. It was five years…
THE FELLA
But you have me now. This is going well. I thought this was going really well.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
Then why are you doing this?
THE GUY
Because I have to do this. I spent five years with someone. This has been, what? A few months? One officially. I can’t just undo all of that so easily. I need to make sure.
THE FELLA
But you’ll turn you back on this.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
You’ll turn you back on me.
THE GUY
I need to make sure. I’m sorry.
PRITHOUS
Repeat.
THE GUY
I can’t see you anymore.
THE FELLA
Why?
THE GUY
This has been great and all. But I’m moving back in with him.
THE FELLA
But you broke up.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
You broke up. You moved out. You’re dating me.
There’s a moment. The Guy seems to make a shift. He pulls away from the Fella. He moves downstage and speaks to where The Voice of the Playwright can be found.
THE GUY
Stop this. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep going over and over this one moment. This one failure. And I have been playing it over and over again for months. Because this one choice. This one single choice. It gnaws at me. It persists. It yells at me down hallways and it will not let me go.
I feel like this has set every other thing on its course.
And every course is uncertain.
This one misstep has sent the whole mechanism out of whack.
There was a road to be followed, and I opted not to follow it.
Now I’m wandering down some uncharted path.
Sometimes I am too scared to move.
I’m always looking over my shoulder.
Why am I always looking over my shoulder?
What’s been lost is lost, and you can’t get it back.
Stop replaying this one thing.
This one error.
This one choice out of thousands of good ones you’ve made in your life.
Let this go.
PIRITHOUS
Repeat.
THE GUY
No.
PIRITHOUS
Repeat.
THE GUY
No. I won’t. I won’t continue this anymore.
The Fella turns to him.
THE FELLA
I may never look at you again the way I looked at you that night.
I wanted you to choose me.
You didn’t.
That’s what has happened.
Either accept it, or erase everything.
But you cannot go back.
The Guy hears this. He makes a decision.
He moves to the Chair of Forgetfulness. Pirithous stands. The Guy takes the position to sit down in the chair.
He looks at the Fella. He tries to memorize him.
He sits in the Chair. He closes his eyes.
A moment passes. The Guy’s face clouds over. Things disappear from it. Trouble evaporates from the features of his face. He relaxes. Calm.
He opens his eyes.
The lights go down.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
4.3.2007: House (A Fantasia for Two Voices)
Two actors stand side by side– The Husband and The Wife.
They begin by speaking over one another, animated, wide-eyed, excited.
They stop, and The Husband speaks.
THE HUSBAND
This house was built in 1975, but the plumbing was redone last year. The entire system.
THE WIFE
He only ever talks about the house.
THE HUSBAND
I had a man replace the roof about a year ago.
THE WIFE
From the day we moved in here. Whenever he meets someone new…
THE HUSBAND
The landscaping was done by this friend of a guy I work with. Well regarded professional. He’s done the yards of some pretty important people.
THE WIFE
…He talks about the house.
THE HUSBAND
We plan on replacing all the carpeting with hardwoods floors by the end of the year.
THE WIFE
I hate the house.
THE HUSBAND
The wife loves the house.
THE WIFE
I want to burn the thing to the ground.
THE HUSBAND
A man’s home is his castle, you know. That’s what they say about a man’s home. It’s his castle.
THE WIFE
The money we’ve poured into the place. The time.
THE HUSBAND
I painted the exterior myself. Did it on a Sunday.
THE WIFE
The investment of ourselves.
THE HUSBAND
We’ve talked about adding an extension out back, but that’s just talk right now.
THE WIFE
He’s becoming the house.
THE HUSBAND
Make a little game room or something out back.
THE WIFE
I look at him, and his eyes are shaped like windows. His mouth is the big red door that faces our street.
THE HUSBAND
Maybe a nursery. For a kid. When we’re ready to have one.
THE WIFE
The hair he has left is the color of our new roof.
THE HUSBAND
But we have to have a home that’s ready for a family. Before we even start talking about kids.
THE WIFE
And at night, when he’s sleeping, he’s as still as the walls, and I imagine his blood running through veins that are little hallways trimmed in beige – just like ours.
THE HUSBAND
I love this house.
THE WIFE
Love me instead.
THE HUSBAND
I love this house.
THE WIFE
Love me instead.
THE HUSBAND
I love this house.
THE WIFE
I’d burn it to the ground if I could.
For the first time, The Husband turns to The Wife. She is momentarily caught off guard, but regains herself and smiles a perfect smile.
He takes her hand. And looks forward again.
Her smiles begins to show signs of strain.
The lights go down.
They begin by speaking over one another, animated, wide-eyed, excited.
They stop, and The Husband speaks.
THE HUSBAND
This house was built in 1975, but the plumbing was redone last year. The entire system.
THE WIFE
He only ever talks about the house.
THE HUSBAND
I had a man replace the roof about a year ago.
THE WIFE
From the day we moved in here. Whenever he meets someone new…
THE HUSBAND
The landscaping was done by this friend of a guy I work with. Well regarded professional. He’s done the yards of some pretty important people.
THE WIFE
…He talks about the house.
THE HUSBAND
We plan on replacing all the carpeting with hardwoods floors by the end of the year.
THE WIFE
I hate the house.
THE HUSBAND
The wife loves the house.
THE WIFE
I want to burn the thing to the ground.
THE HUSBAND
A man’s home is his castle, you know. That’s what they say about a man’s home. It’s his castle.
THE WIFE
The money we’ve poured into the place. The time.
THE HUSBAND
I painted the exterior myself. Did it on a Sunday.
THE WIFE
The investment of ourselves.
THE HUSBAND
We’ve talked about adding an extension out back, but that’s just talk right now.
THE WIFE
He’s becoming the house.
THE HUSBAND
Make a little game room or something out back.
THE WIFE
I look at him, and his eyes are shaped like windows. His mouth is the big red door that faces our street.
THE HUSBAND
Maybe a nursery. For a kid. When we’re ready to have one.
THE WIFE
The hair he has left is the color of our new roof.
THE HUSBAND
But we have to have a home that’s ready for a family. Before we even start talking about kids.
THE WIFE
And at night, when he’s sleeping, he’s as still as the walls, and I imagine his blood running through veins that are little hallways trimmed in beige – just like ours.
THE HUSBAND
I love this house.
THE WIFE
Love me instead.
THE HUSBAND
I love this house.
THE WIFE
Love me instead.
THE HUSBAND
I love this house.
THE WIFE
I’d burn it to the ground if I could.
For the first time, The Husband turns to The Wife. She is momentarily caught off guard, but regains herself and smiles a perfect smile.
He takes her hand. And looks forward again.
Her smiles begins to show signs of strain.
The lights go down.
Monday, April 2, 2007
4.2.2007: The Playwright and His Ambivalent Love for the Readers of These Plays
The stage is empty.
Because I wanna talk to you. Yeah, you. The ones reading this.
What do I do when the most important thing that happens to me on a given day is something I don’t want to write about?
Something I don’t want to give away to you.
Not that I don’t like you. I do.
I just want what’s been special about today to belong only to me.
So forgive me.
I’ll share something with you tomorrow.
But today… something nice happened today.
And I don’t think that everything should be disclosed. Revealed. Laid bare. Not that I think you’ll do damage or judge or condescend (although I always assume one will judge, that’s just my nature).
I just know that when I write something here, a piece of it disappears. Usually, I’m glad for it. Usually it’s anger, or sadness, or deep and profound reflection – and those things are better once they’ve disappeared.
But this. Today. I don’t want it to disappear. I want to hold on to it as long as I can. Without diminishment. Without analysis. Without any piece of it being taken away.
Because it was a nice thing. A thing that I’ll want to curl up next to tonight when I go to bed. Like the pillow you hold on to when there isn’t another person to hold. Like that.
It meant something to me.
So that’s all I wanted to say to you.
I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Because I wanna talk to you. Yeah, you. The ones reading this.
What do I do when the most important thing that happens to me on a given day is something I don’t want to write about?
Something I don’t want to give away to you.
Not that I don’t like you. I do.
I just want what’s been special about today to belong only to me.
So forgive me.
I’ll share something with you tomorrow.
But today… something nice happened today.
And I don’t think that everything should be disclosed. Revealed. Laid bare. Not that I think you’ll do damage or judge or condescend (although I always assume one will judge, that’s just my nature).
I just know that when I write something here, a piece of it disappears. Usually, I’m glad for it. Usually it’s anger, or sadness, or deep and profound reflection – and those things are better once they’ve disappeared.
But this. Today. I don’t want it to disappear. I want to hold on to it as long as I can. Without diminishment. Without analysis. Without any piece of it being taken away.
Because it was a nice thing. A thing that I’ll want to curl up next to tonight when I go to bed. Like the pillow you hold on to when there isn’t another person to hold. Like that.
It meant something to me.
So that’s all I wanted to say to you.
I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
4.1.2007: Allow for Irregularities
The Guy and The Playwright Temp.
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
What did I tell you last time?
THE GUY
I know. I know. Emergencies only.
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
Emergencies only. Correct. Is this an emergency?
THE GUY
I think so, yes.
And the weirdest thing occurs. The Fella appears.
THE FELLA
I love you!
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
Oh shit.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
I totally love you. Seriously. I. Love. You. I feel exactly for you what you feel for me. And I’m not even exaggerating. I have found myself opening up to you like.. like… like an I don’t know what, but I am open! And my heart is just flooding over with this desire to be with YOU!
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
(to the Guy)
You are such an asshole.
THE GUY
What are you talking about?
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
This is such a thinly veiled attempt to get him to like you again.
THE GUY
Oh, piss off.
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
It is!
THE GUY
No such thing!
A new weird thing happens. Icarus appears without wings, but this time with a bag , sunglasses, and a plane ticket.
ICARUS
I’m not flying today!
THE GUY
What?
ICARUS
Not flying today. I woke up and thought to myself, “Fuck that. I don’t feel like dropping a couple thousand feet into the water.” So I left the wings at home and I’m flying to Guam. American Airlines. Round trip.
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
(to the Guy)
What are you doing?
THE GUY
I told you. I’m not doing anything.
THE FELLA
Do you love me?
THE GUY
No.
THE FELLA
Yes you do.
THE GUY
No I don’t. Stop it.
THE FELLA
I love you.
THE GUY
No. You don’t.
THE FELLA
Yes I do. Do you love me back?
THE GUY
Oh, Jesus Christ. Stop it.
ICARUS
I’m not flying today!
THE GUY
We know. You told us.
ICARUS
American Airlines. Round trip!
THE GUY
We know!
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
I don’t know what you did…
THE GUY
I didn’t do anything!
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
But this is seriously screwed up…
Suddenly, all the remaining actors emerge as some character in the play that they’ve played, and they behave in a manner that they shouldn’t. The effect is one of chaos – loud, energetic, and pretty fun to watch.
The Guy looks hopeless here. The Playwright Temp looks on in wonder.
THE GUY
What’s going on?
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
You’re the writer! You tell me!
Then, there is a loud toll of bells. Everyone stops acting oddly. For a moment, silence.
The Guy turns to the Fella.
THE GUY
Do you love me?
THE FELLA
Um… no.
THE GUY
Are you sure?
THE FELLA
You’re my friend and all. But I don’t… love you.
THE GUY
Good. That’s good.
ICARUS
What am I doing here? Where are my wings? I have to fly today. I’m late!
Icarus leaves in a hurry to grab his wings and fly.
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
Weird.
THE GUY
I know.
An Actor steps forward.
AN ACTOR
Instructions from the Playwright!
The actors all become alert. An actor produces a hand written note.
AN ACTOR
“To Be Read to the Actors at the end of the play on 4.1.2007: April Fools Day. Allow for Irregularities.”
The lights go down.
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
What did I tell you last time?
THE GUY
I know. I know. Emergencies only.
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
Emergencies only. Correct. Is this an emergency?
THE GUY
I think so, yes.
And the weirdest thing occurs. The Fella appears.
THE FELLA
I love you!
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
Oh shit.
THE GUY
I know.
THE FELLA
I totally love you. Seriously. I. Love. You. I feel exactly for you what you feel for me. And I’m not even exaggerating. I have found myself opening up to you like.. like… like an I don’t know what, but I am open! And my heart is just flooding over with this desire to be with YOU!
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
(to the Guy)
You are such an asshole.
THE GUY
What are you talking about?
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
This is such a thinly veiled attempt to get him to like you again.
THE GUY
Oh, piss off.
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
It is!
THE GUY
No such thing!
A new weird thing happens. Icarus appears without wings, but this time with a bag , sunglasses, and a plane ticket.
ICARUS
I’m not flying today!
THE GUY
What?
ICARUS
Not flying today. I woke up and thought to myself, “Fuck that. I don’t feel like dropping a couple thousand feet into the water.” So I left the wings at home and I’m flying to Guam. American Airlines. Round trip.
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
(to the Guy)
What are you doing?
THE GUY
I told you. I’m not doing anything.
THE FELLA
Do you love me?
THE GUY
No.
THE FELLA
Yes you do.
THE GUY
No I don’t. Stop it.
THE FELLA
I love you.
THE GUY
No. You don’t.
THE FELLA
Yes I do. Do you love me back?
THE GUY
Oh, Jesus Christ. Stop it.
ICARUS
I’m not flying today!
THE GUY
We know. You told us.
ICARUS
American Airlines. Round trip!
THE GUY
We know!
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
I don’t know what you did…
THE GUY
I didn’t do anything!
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
But this is seriously screwed up…
Suddenly, all the remaining actors emerge as some character in the play that they’ve played, and they behave in a manner that they shouldn’t. The effect is one of chaos – loud, energetic, and pretty fun to watch.
The Guy looks hopeless here. The Playwright Temp looks on in wonder.
THE GUY
What’s going on?
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
You’re the writer! You tell me!
Then, there is a loud toll of bells. Everyone stops acting oddly. For a moment, silence.
The Guy turns to the Fella.
THE GUY
Do you love me?
THE FELLA
Um… no.
THE GUY
Are you sure?
THE FELLA
You’re my friend and all. But I don’t… love you.
THE GUY
Good. That’s good.
ICARUS
What am I doing here? Where are my wings? I have to fly today. I’m late!
Icarus leaves in a hurry to grab his wings and fly.
THE PLAYWRIGHT TEMP
Weird.
THE GUY
I know.
An Actor steps forward.
AN ACTOR
Instructions from the Playwright!
The actors all become alert. An actor produces a hand written note.
AN ACTOR
“To Be Read to the Actors at the end of the play on 4.1.2007: April Fools Day. Allow for Irregularities.”
The lights go down.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)